Monday, December 17, 2012


Sometimes, I hate that we have the news on all day at work. I’m finding myself glued to it, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I still can’t believe that 28 souls were lost (including the shooter and his mother, whom he shot in her home). Yes, I included the shooter. While I believe that he is a monster for killing those sweet innocent babies, he still has a soul. I do hope he does not cross through the Pearly Gates, but instead is banished to watch the 20 little ones laugh and play with each other and our Savior for eternity. They are at peace.

I’m not quite sure why this shooting has affected me so much, but it has. I was in elementary school when the Columbine tragedy happened and I was too young to understand, but I clearly remember every school shooting since then. I went to college in Illinois, and when the NIU shooting happened, I was there when my friend Eddie got a call saying that his best friend died that day. Her name is Ryanne Mace, and if she was anything like Eddie, she had the biggest heart in the world.

Maybe I feel connected because this happened to innocent children as well as innocent adults. 5-6 year olds. I can’t even imagine being family to one of those poor babies. I can’t imagine being a resident of Newtown.  My heart aches for all of them. For all of us. We live in a world where this HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.

When I was a senior in high school, some freshmen plotted to take our principal hostage and gun down the gym while all of the seniors were in it for an assembly. Thankfully, a friend of theirs alerted administration that morning. I would have been in that gym. My best friends would have been in that gym. I haven’t thought about that day for a long time, but I am so so thankful that someone prevented it from turning into a tragedy.

I have to wonder about all of this. Did Lanza have a friend, acquaintance, family member, stranger he told of his plan? Based on the fact that he killed his mother before he went to SHES (according to various media reports), his massacre was pre-meditated.  Did no one know? I’m not in any way trying to blame anyone, I just wonder. That’s all I can do.

I had to turn away during our President’s speech. Watching our nation’s leader cry over lost children, and realizing his pain was just too much. He gets it. He’s a father. He is also right. This must be stopped. I’ve read through enough countless arguments about gun control to understand that the solution isn’t that easy. I wish that people would just simply realize that no matter the situation, taking lives is not the answer. It doesn’t matter if you have a gun, knife, paperclip, whatever. Just don’t do it.

It breaks my heart that instead of focusing our attention on respecting the lost and trying to come up with a solution to stop this, we use this as a platform for views on gun control/mental health/etc. I have my own opinions about both of those, especially as I suffer from depression, but I will keep those to myself. Right now, I’m thinking about those sweet lives lost. I hope you do too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dear My 15-year-old self

Dear 15-year-old self,

You’re a skinny, pasty, awkward freshman in high school. Every day you wake up at 5:30 to shower and try to tame your unruly mane (this was before flat irons were so easily accessible).  Sadly, it doesn’t help. You spend much of the year looking like you just rolled out of bed.

You lug your viola to and from school every other day (we had a block schedule) and people laugh at the skinny little “orch dork.” Let’s face it…you are. You don’t mess with drugs or alcohol, and sex isn’t even an option because no guy even looks at you. All in all, you’re a good kid. But boy, that mouth you have! Talking back to your parents gets you in trouble every. single. week.  Just keep it shut and complain on your Xanga (cgkat87 for those of you that want some reading pleasure).

You continue your friendship with that tall half Japanese girl you started last year. She will become your best friend. Surprisingly, you guys will NEVER fight. About anything. At all. When you’re both 24, you’ll be her maid of honor at her wedding to her high school sweetheart, and you’ll cry like a baby. Allison is the peanut butter to your jelly, and you two will go through a LOT together.

That guy that always stares at Allison and tries to flirt with her? He’ll become your other best friend, like your older brother. Sadly you fall in love with him when you’re in college and he’s in the Navy, and your friendship ends on an awkward note. You miss him every day, but he’s happily married now.

Besides you and Allison, there are two others in your little group of friends. Jessica is your new neighbor, and is the most happy-go-lucky person you’ll ever meet. She moves to Chicago after college and aside from a few chance encounters, you don’t hear from her. Christina you’ve known since elementary school. You’ve always been wary of her since first grade and she wouldn’t let you on the tunnel slide…but you let the past be the past and try to be her friend. DON’T. That witch makes your high school career hell every time she gets “mad” at you for something. Senior year you finally stand up to her and when she decides she’s done being mad at you “that time,” you don’t accept her apology. You still think about her time to time, and wonder if she still cheats on her fiancé on the reg.

Speaking of fiancé, you know that awkward boy that’s friends with Alex? He’ll become your fiancé one day. Sadly, things don’t work out and you hightail it out of that relationship, but not before learning some of the most important lessons of your life, and growing up along the way.

Your 15th year of life will be filled with homework and tests, movies and shopping, times with friends, family spats, friend spats (85% with Christina), trials and hardships, and triumphs and joy. You hate it when you live it, but I bet you have no clue how much you want to go back to that year a decade later.


Your 25-year-old self

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Update and Dilemma

I realize I haven’t written in a while. Honestly, I probably should have…just have not had the time/energy/motivation to do so. Thus, this will probably be a long(er) post, split into two parts; a life update and a dilemma.


-          Went to southern Kentucky for Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle’s with my grandma and Tucker. Tuck got neutered right before we left, so he was extremely chilled out due to his medication when we were there. Needless to say, he was very good and everyone fell in love with him. Especially my grandma. She asks about him constantly.

-          I move into my new place in a matter of weeks! 2.5 to be exact. I’m so excited, but I still need a few things. Expensive things, like a microwave, couch, and TV. Now taking donations ;)

-          Christmas Party (in November?!) for work was so much fun. Sadly didn’t win anything but had a great time chatting with coworkers and their wives. Tyler came with me which I thought would be awkward but it wasn’t! Which leads me to…


Tyler and I started to kind of “date” again. We went out to dinner a couple of times, talked a lot, and just discussed our issues. I thought we were doing great. Then he informs me that he’s seeing other people as well. Uhh…what?! I was crushed. Then I went home and rejoined the dating site we met on (hey, I can be a brat sometimes.) Unlike the last time I joined and I only met two people including Tyler and ignored everyone else that messaged me, this time I’ve been a little…busier. Here’s what I mean.

- A 27 year old IT specialist. So good looking. And nice…ish. I just have a bad feeling about this one. He seems to only want a physical relationship, which is heartbreaking to me. We talk sporadically, and have been out a handful of times. He’s one of the “hey send me a picture” kind of guys. Yes. *That* kind of picture. Uh…no thanks. He’s the kind of guy that knows he’s cute. I hate that. As much as he frustrates me, for some reason I keep being sucked back in.

- A 30 year old IT specialist. I know, I know. Another one. And this one is FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN ME. And divorced. Recently. I feel conflicted about this one, because he is grown up, knows what he wants, doesn’t play games, he’s attractive…but I let him kiss me and didn’t really feel anything. His marriage ended because they were more like friends than spouses, and although it would be great to be with someone as “put-together” as him, I wonder if our potential relationship would end up the same way. I really enjoy talking to him and spending time with him, but I have a feeling he thinks we’re on a fast track to a relationship.  We’ve only been out twice and he wants me to come over so he can cook me dinner and we can put up his Christmas tree. Sounds nice, but…scary at the same time.

- A 25 year old financial manager. Our first date is tomorrow. Honestly, I don’t know what to think. He seems like a normal guy, which is good. We talk extremely sporadically, and suddenly he is super into wanting to meet. Not sure what to think about that.

- A 26 year old teacher. He lives about 2 ½ hours away, which is unfortunate because I have a really, really good feeling about this one. He loves his job, which makes my heart smile since he works with kids. He is incredibly sweet. This morning he called me when we were both driving to work just to say “I hope you have a great day!” I love things like that. I feel such a connection with him, and I haven’t even actually met him yet. We’re meeting on Saturday and I am so excited! I already feel so comfortable with him, so I know it won’t be awkward. The only issues I have are that he’s so far away, and since we ARE so comfortable I’m worried that things would move faster than I’m okay with.

- A 26 year old student. AKA Tyler. Tyler told me he wants to try again with us and hopefully get back together eventually. My heart is still hanging by a VERY thin thread to him…so I agreed we could try. However, it feels…different. I am so cautious, so on guard.  I have a hard time believing he wants to try. I do not trust him at all, and he knows that. He says he’ll earn it back, but we’ll see.


I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. This is new to me, and very weird. I know I’m not doing anything wrong since I am not exclusive with any of these men, but it is still confusing. Please feel free to leave me any and all advice you have!

Have any of you done online dating? Any weird experiences (one of my coworkers found me this time!)? Success stories?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Just dropping in

I just wanted to say that I'm still here. Just...haven't felt like writing. Actually haven't felt like social media much in the past month.

Thank you so much for those of you that have left such sweet comments and emailed me. I love you all.

P.S. If you vote today, good for you. If you don't...good for you. It's a CHOICE. As is who you vote for. I'm so sick of hearing people try to shove their views on me, so I'm staying out of it. I do want a certain man to win, but I'm not mentioning who. It's my business, just like who you voted for and why is yours.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Fact Is...



the chiffon diary

The Fact Is…

-for some reason today I am absolutely exhausted. It must be the weather, because everyone I’ve talked to at work feels the same way.

-I really don’t see Tyler and I getting back together. I so wish I did, because I miss him so so much…but obviously communication isn’t important to him like it is to me.

-going along with the above, I get so worried when I don’t hear from him for hours (like 16) at a time. I hope he’s not hurt or something (see?! This is what goes on in my crazy mind!).

- I absolutely can’t wait until I move into my apartment. I’m a little nervous, though.

- my 25th birthday is Friday, and I’m not excited at all. I’m glad my car insurance went down (by half! woop woop!) but I have no plans. All my friends are busy. Either I’m getting a killer surprise party (doubtful) or I’m going to be the lame one by herself all day on her birthday. At least I have the day off of work.

-I am so incredibly unbelievably lonely. So much so that it hurts very badly. I don’t feel as if I have someone to confide in, that would honestly listen, understand, and not judge. I wish there was an Indy Bloggers group, because you all are so much more supportive and kinder than anyone I know IRL.

-we just found out our company bonuses are coming in a month earlier than expected…and rather than blowing all of mine on a nice shopping spree and putting some in my savings, I’m contemplating putting half in my savings and donating the other half. I can’t really afford to blow all of it or even donate half of it, but…material things aren’t what life is about, and someone needs the money more than I do.
such a great link-up! go to the chiffon diary and join in!
I was nominated for the “Liebster  Blog Award!” This really made my heart happy; as it means that some people do read and enjoy my blog. It’s been acting as therapy for me, so the knowledge that other people like my silly ramblings makes the dark clouds rise a little bit. Thanks to Holly for the honor . Rules state that I give 11 random facts, answer her 11 questions for me, and then nominate others. I don’t know any other little blogs except AAA and Emily, so I nominate them J

1)      I was born in California, but moved to Indiana (where my mom is from) when I was very young.

2)      I’m only 4’11”. You know how when you’re 2 and your doctor doubles the height you are and says that’s how tall you’ll be? Apparently I was a tall 2 year old or I had a dumb doctor, because I am supposed  to be 5’7”. I wish.

3)      I work for an IndyCar team. We’re pretty well-known. I love my job and the perks that come with it!

4)      I used to do a little bit of acting, and have been in two low budget horror films.

5)      I played the strings (mainly the viola) for 8 years. I miss it horribly.

6)      I’ve driven the same car since I was 16. It’s a 1997 Honda CR-V. Red, but more like pink since it’s so old.

7)      I’m extremely shy and awkward around people I don’t know…which makes fact #4 weird.

8)      My half siblings and I are all 12 years apart. Yes, that means that my sister is 24 years older than I am.

9)      I have a 10 month old Golden Retriever/ Sharpei  mix named Tucker. He’s the only boy I need in my life.

10)   I canceled a wedding. I still feel awful about it.

11)   I’m slowly but surely working my way up to being as happy and as positive as I want to be. Blogging is helping.

And now Holly’s 11 Questions for me

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
- Banana Nutella
What is the best book you have read in the last year?
- The Help
You have just won an all-expense-paid vacation to the destination of your choice, where do you want to go?
- Hawaii, no question. Been there twice, never wanted to leave either time
What song always makes you happier when you listen to it?
- Beautiful by Mercy Me
Are you a going to have a scary or funny jack-o-lantern for Halloween?
-I won’t have one
When the alarm goes off in the morning, do you jump up ready to face the day or hit the snooze button as many times as possible?
-I hit the snooze about 5 times. I even set my alarm for earlier so I can hit it more (tell me I’m not the only one who does this?!)
Do you have any siblings?
-one stepbrother, one halfbrother, and one halfsister
Is your bed made right now?
-nope, I only make it when I wash the sheets
How would you spend your time if all of a sudden you have the afternoon free and all to yourself?
-probably go on a hike with my puppy
Who is your favorite super hero?
- Batman
Which is more you: sneakers or high heels?
-Both. I love all shoes!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Friday's Letters & Insecurity

linking up with Ashley

Dear Tucker- Momma got us an apartment to move in to soon :) That means you'll be an only dog, and will get 100% of my attention. I'm so excited!

Dear Apartment- I wish I didn't have to wait so long to move into you. Thank you for being so affordable, though. Decorating you is going to be SO much fun. You're my very first place that I am living in ON MY OWN (eek) but I really am looking forward to it. Not going by someone elses schedule, peace and quiet, it will be nice. I hope my neighbors don't think I have a horse though...just an extremely large dog.

Dear Mom- thank you for being so supportive. I only wish you could see how different you are around my stepdad. It's like he is poisoning you with his negativity. It hurts to say this, but have you noticed that you're only pleasant to me if he's not around or I am hurting?

Dear Tyler- I thought that things were going well. I think I was wrong. I feel like things are going back to exactly how they were when our relationship was falling apart. You never tell me what you're thinking. I try so hard to be completely open and honest...and it is stressing me out that you apparently don't want to give me the same courtesy. I feel so lost. I want to be with you. Are you just humoring me by pretending to have fun on our dates? Am I just a place holder until someone else comes along. These are my concerns. My worries. My insecurities.
I had one of those gut-wrenching cries last night. The unattractive one, where your face screws up, turns red, and tears, snot, drool all pour down your face. TMI, I know. The kind of cry that makes you so tired, you drift off into a dreamless sleep at 9:00, and wake up with a migraine. I cried for a lot of reasons. I cried because my security deposit on my apartment is about $400 more than I thought it would be. I cried because Tyler canceled the plans we had this weekend. I cried because I need a new car but can't afford one now. I cried because I'm insecure. Painfully insecure.

I'm insecure about my relationship with God. I love going to church and listening to His message, but I don't sing the hymns. I pray, but some days I forget. I wish that I had someone to talk to that shared this struggle, because I want to know that I am not alone. I want to be a better Christian, but I do not even know where to start.

I'm insecure in my job. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I am constantly worrying if I am doing everything right. If I am pleasing everyone. Everyone is replaceable. Thankfully, the racing team I work for doesn't have to lay everyone off like some of the others, but we are reminded that everyone is replaceable. I am replaceable.

I'm insecure in my friendships. I don't make friends very easily. I like meeting people, and am very friendly, but I am painfully shy. I didn't used to be...but I am now. The friends I have now, the "true" friends, I can count on one hand. And I worry almost every day that they don't think of our friendship in the same way that I do. I would do anything for them. Their happiness is more important than mine. I worry that when we spend time together, they're not enjoying themselves. I worry that the friendships I have are just "pity" friendships.

I'm insecure in my relationships. Every single one I've had, I've ruined. I want to love, and be loved. I want to want someone who wants me. I want to be the reason for his smile. I want the kind of loving, faith-based relationship that Jon and Ruthie Hart have. They inspire me.

I'm insecure in myself. I'm not good enough. I'm weak. I don't deserve happiness. These are all things that constantly run through my mind. Then I question why I am so negative, so emotional all the time. There must be something wrong with me.

I know this was extremely negative. I'm trying SO hard to be more positive...but on days like today, it is hard. Very hard. Please pray for me.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Finally Fall

It's been awhile.
* I'm so glad that it is finally fall. I love being able to look outside at the pretty leaves all day at work!
* Tyler and I are beginning again. Not together, but going on dates and such. It's going really well. I need to stop being so worried that he'll change his mind again though, and just r-e-l-a-x. Any tips?
*My annual review is coming up next month. Yikes. Nervous.
*My BIRTHDAY is next Friday (10/26). I think I'm asking for exclusively gas cards. And Taylor Swift's new CD.
*I may be signing a lease to an apartment tonight! Then I'd move in at the end of December.
That's about it I guess. I'll leave you with some pictures from Monday at the park!


Thursday, October 11, 2012


On this beautiful fall day, I just have one question. Is it enough?

I started going to church again, pray every day, and have conversations with Him...but is it enough?
I work hard at my job to make sure that everyone is happy and things are done efficiently...but is it enough?
I'm working on being friends with Tyler. On being more understanding...but is it enough?
I care deeply for all of my friends and family, and wish all their pain and sadness on myself so they are peaceful and happy...but it is enough?
I say please and thank you, every. single. time....but is it enough?
I'm slowly working through my faults in an effort to be a better person...but is it enough?

Struggling today...pray for me? That, at least, is enough.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Home Again

I truly meant to write this post on Sunday night...and it is now Wednesday afternoon. Oh well.

I ventured back to my college town for homecoming this past weekend, and stayed with my best friend from college, Mollie (and her husband Keith). I hope that I have the kind of loving, faithful, and Godly relationship that they have some day. They are so full of love for each other that it sometimes makes my heart ache.

The 3.5 hour drive on Friday didn't bother me in the slightest once I got out of Indiana, because I had forgotten how gosh darn beautiful Illinois is in the fall. coming down Main street into Eureka, with gorgeous trees lining both sides of the road, I peace. And home. Eureka, IL was my home for 4 years, and going back this weekend, I think I'd say it still IS my home. Every now and then I toy with the idea of moving back there, and you know what? I think I a few years. Right now I like my job too much to leave it. I also couldn't imagine leaving my friends and family here again.

Rather than make this a super long post where I detail everything that happened, I figured I would highlight the main points. And no, I don't have any pictures...I was having way too much fun relaxing and catching up with old friends.

-went to the new Mexican restaurant in town for dinner, had delish daiquiris
-pigged out on cake-vodka soaked gummies and played Apples to Apples with Mollie, Keith, Mollie's mom, Mollie's brother, and a family friend
- went to bed at around 1 in the morning...v. late for me
-Mollie and I made Keith get us breakfast from Hardees
-walked to campus despite Keith whining that he was cold so I could buy an alumni sticker for my car and a new EC shirt (also walked out with the CUTEST coffee mug...that says EC Mom on it?)
-met my parents (they came in that morning) at the gates, sat down with them
-almost immediately retreated to the alumni tent to gossip with old classmates/drink unlimited amounts of hot chocolate
-discovered that almost everyone I talked to was either married or had a kid or both. I was the awkward single girl
-tried to avoid ex boyfriends...with no luck
-left game at halftime because it was too cold, walked back to M&K's house and took naps
- met my parents for dinner at Biaggis...wonderful food
-found out we WON the game!!!! Big news for little ole Eureka!
-fell asleep on the couch at like 11. Laaaame.
-went to Monicals with Mollie and her mama for lunch
-drove back to Indiana

Tyler's house in Brownsburg is on my way home from I stopped by. Mainly to see Tucker, but also to get some things of mine he had found. My sweet Tucker boy sure did miss me, though! He plopped himself in my lap and didn't move for a few minutes...all 85 pounds of him. I love that dog so freaking much. He also has a new trick! He can now legit hug people now :) so cute.

I had to leave after a couple hours because it was getting late, but Tyler and I had a good conversation. I completely have my guard up with him, but I think we might become friends.

I'm nervous about it because I'm only friends with one of my exes. And we never see each other. Are you friends with any of your exes? Is it hard?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Back 'neath the Elms...


Dear Eureka*,
After work today I will be driving to you, to celebrate Homecoming. I'm extremely excited to come "home," especially because a lot of alumni will be there. I hope you have the beer tent ready...because I missed out on that aspect of homecoming the entire 4 years I was there. Stupid cheerleading. Speaking of cheerleaders, I hope they have got their act together. It's kind of embarrassing to see them and admit I was one of them. Also, I will be using my newly found student ID to get into the game fo free, since you took thousands of dollars from me in 4 years and didn't even give me my housing deposit back. I KNOW I didn't "donate it to the senior class gift" because I thought the gift we got was dumb. I'd like my $250, with interest, back this weekend.
Dear New Boots,
I was so happy/surprised to see you yesterday when I got home from work. However, you're extremely uncomfortable. I hope we can fix this because you are too cute and I can't return you since I got you on sale.
Dear Co-worker,
Just because I am "just the receptionist" does NOT mean that I am not entitled to my time off like everyone else. I put in my requests in plenty of advance. Please do not make me feel guilty for using my carefully saved up hours. Part of your job description is to help cover my desk when I am not here. You're the newest hire in the group that covers for me, and it should go without saying that you need to respect the other girls, as well as my boss. Your boss knows the situation, so don't pretend you have to "talk with **** first." I like you, I really do. It's fun having someone closer to my age to chat with, but you are driving me insane with this. Please stop.
Dear Tucker,
We get to spend the day together on the 15th! I am so so so excited to take you on your first trip to Brown County to go on a picnic and hiking with your Aunt Allison, Aunt Sam, and cousin Mia. I hope it doesn't rain because we will have to have a backup plan. I hope it's not awkward seeing your dad when I pick you up...I was extremely mean to him a few days ago and he has since forgiven me but it's still embarrassing to think about how I acted. Getting over him will be quite a process, but your wrinkly, furry little face is helping! I can't wait until you live with me full time, in our very own apartment.

Dear cute boy at AT&T store,
Thank you for helping my mom and I out yesterday when we were replacing her phone that was stolen. I'm sorry my mom kept making really bad jokes and called the iPhone 4 the "I4." You are honestly the first cute boy I've noticed since I got my heart stomped on, and for that I'm glad. That means I'm healing. I wish I would have given you my number, but I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe I will come visit your store in a few months though...
Dear Cousin,
Your engagement pictures are absolutely beautiful. You are beautiful. I am so so glad that you and Mike found each other, when you were as lost as I am right now. I sincerely hope that I am invited to the wedding, even though I am the daughter of the "black sheep" of the family (true one likes my mom that much...we're never invited to things). It's the week before my birthday next year. On a Friday? Considering it will be either in Tennessee or Florida, I'd LOVE to come. It makes me sad remembering how close we used to be...I miss that. I miss considering you my sister, not my cousin. Whatever the case my be, I love you. I look up to you, and admire you.
*FUN FACT: my college's "song" is to the tune of that camp song in Dirty Dancing. Makes me laugh every single time. Oh yeah, and Ronald Reagan went to my college.  

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

D Diaries #2

Well...the D word has hit again. Sometimes I have no idea what triggers it, other times I know exactly what sets it this time. Tyler.

I was so happy to be with someone who liked me for who I am...only to find that he leaves me because I'm not who he wants me to be. I feel like I've been lied to for the past 9 months. It got me thinking, though. About who I am. And you know what? I like who I am, with a few exceptions. I have good morals and values, and I'd like to believe I have my priorities straight. I worked hard to find a good job, and I found one. I'm loyal, compassionate, and honest. I'm digging deeper into my relationship with God. But yet...I feel empty. Heartbroken. Worthless.

I know that my emotions are heightened right now. I'm a woman, I have depression, and a broken heart. NOT an ideal mix.

This just...isn't helping. I've worked so hard to do everything I could to be happy, and Tyler was a big part of that. I shared with him what went on in my head almost daily, and he was so good at making me feel valued, wanted, and worthy.

I'm hoping that my trip back to Eureka for homecoming will make me feel a little better. GO RED DEVILS!

Also, fingers crossed, my mom and I found apartments that are extremely cute, safe, and affordable. So Tuck and I may be moving in January.

Pray for me, friends. Please.


Monday, October 1, 2012

R.I.P. Kindle...

I've loved reading for basically my entire life. I learned how to read in pre-school, and can remember "helping" my first grade teacher with reading lessons in class. No wonder I was picked on.

Reading has always been an escape for me. Growing up as a basically only child (my sibs are all wayyy older), I learned how to entertain myself. When I discovered that books weren't just for school, I was hooked. I read anything and everything I could get my grimy little hands on. I loved getting lost in a story and forgetting about my life for those few hours. I read as much as I could, whenever I could. I've missed a plane because I was so into a book. I've not heard the bell to end study hall because I was busy reading. Needless to say, I'm a bookworm. And I like it.

Fast forward to Christmas of last year. My relationship with my parents was still pretty rocky, they were still mad at me for leaving my ex. I'm not someone that is spoiled, per say, but Christmas has always been nice. Gift cards, gas cars, things I want AND need, that sort of thing. When I arrived Christmas morning, one solitary present was shoved in my arms. It wasn't even really wrapped. When I opened it, I started bawling. It was a brand new shiny Kindle Keyboard. I LOOOVED it. I felt so blessed that I had even received something, and I thought it was so thoughtful. Thinking back to that day, I think my parents wanted me to realize I wasn't their little girl anymore. I had become a person they didn't care for, but knew they "had" to get me something. I still think it is the best gift I have ever received.

Last night, my precious Kindle fell victim to a shattered screen...even though I didn't drop it. Apparently that has been a problem with the model I have. When I realized that it was unfixable, I broke down. I probably cried harder last night than I have in the past 3 weeks, and that's saying something considering I've cried myself to sleep every single night. I cried because I am lost without books, at least right now. Reading is the only thing I can do that takes my mind off of Ty...and that was disrupted. All of my "real" books are in storage, so I was helpless. It seemed like just one thing after another went wrong in September, and this latest thing acted as a trigger for the D word.

I sat in my bed with tears streaming down my face, wondering what I was going to do. Every few minutes  I would rush over to where the Kindle was charging, to see if maybe it was just extremely low. After an hour of this, I just slumped against my wall. Then I had an idea.

I prayed. Hard. I begged God to fix my source of happiness and contentedness...and He listened. When I got to work today I signed into Amazon, and thanks to Arshed (who I'm pretty sure was in India), and explained what happened. He patiently read everything I said, and informed me that he was sending me a brand new Kindle, free of charge, the next day. As in, tomorrow evening I should have my new one. Oh. My. Goodness. I wanted to track Arshed down and kiss him.

This experience has opened my eyes to the fact that God really does listen to each and every prayer that His children send Him. No matter how trivial.

Have any of you had an eye opening experience like this? What about any favorite books?


Friday, September 28, 2012

I get to see the LOVE of my LIFE tomorrow!


Dear Tucker, we are having a playdate tomorrow at a fundraising event with your Aunt Sam and cousin Mia. Please, PLEASE be on your best behavior. Mama is SO FREAKING EXCITED to see you. I'm sorry you're a "divorced child" right now, but as soon as Mama gets enough money saved up to move out, it will be just the two of us. I love you, my sweet boy.
He's excited too. He just doesn't know it yet. I bet this look will be on his face allllll day.

Dear Ex, I have to see you tomorrow to pick up Tuck. Please do not make this awkward. Although, I have a feeling it will be...just from the texts you have been sending me. I don't know how to take them. Are you just saying all of those things to try and make me feel better, or do you realize you jumped the gun on your decision to end things? As much as I still love you and want to be with you, my heart still hurts too much. You are so confusing to me.

Dear Parents, why have you not picked up on my 50 hints that I want to go to the Hunter Hayes/Carrie Underwood concert in November? Hunter has a delicious voice, albet a baby face, and Carrie is absolutely beautiful and a music icon. Those things mean we HAVE to go. No excuses. You guys both make 2 times more than I do, so go buy the tickets! Maybe I'll get you a share...(those things are expensive!) and P.S. I'm still mad you didn't bring me back pineapple from Hawaii.
How could you NOT want to see them?!

Dear random Obama Law, because of you, we didn't get our insurance premium taken out of this check...because you paid it for us! Thank you for sparing my $27.25 (hey...when you only make what I do, it's nice!).

Dear Today, you are a gorgeous fall afternoon. I'm sad I have to watch you through the wall of windows at work. I hope you keep this up the entire weekend.

Dear Eureka, Illinois, get ready, because I am invading you next weekend! Homecoming 2012 is sure to be a blast, especially because this time I can watch the game instead of having to cheer at in (okay...who am I kidding, I spent more time watching the game and yelling than chanting and stunting). GOOOO RED DEVILS!



Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Boyfriend Diaries: The Punk

All of these recent happenings have got me thinking about the many crazy relationships I was stupid enough to get in to, and I figured it'd make good reading material, and is also a good therapy. So, without further ado, I present to you volume 1 of The Boyfriend Diaries.

The Punk was my first real boyfriend. We met the summer of 2005, the summer before my senior year (yeah..I'm a late bloomer I guess). We met at Warped Tour, of all places (a huge punk/rock/alternative concert). He had tagged along with his friend, who was trying to date this girl I knew. We met and I instantly thought he was cute with his farmers tan, blond hair, and bright blue eyes. My friend Stacey fell in love, though. She was determined to make this farm boy hers, and I understood. I was so used to being the single one that it didn't even phase me to hang in the background. Boys never looked at me anyway. I was too short, painfully shy, and extremely gawky.

Needless to say, The Punk wasn't interested in Stace. He liked me. I was shocked, but as our group stood in the lawn listening to Fall Out Boy belt out their latest hits, he shyly asked me if he could stand next to me. During the bridge to "Sugar, We're Going Down," his hand found mine. His arms were around my waist by the time the band came back for their encore, and by the end of the night I was starstruck. We all went to Steak & Shake after the long day of concerts, and when it was time to go home he gave me a kiss on the cheek and his phone number.

The Punk and I officially started dating about a month later. He lived 2 hours away from me, and was 2 years younger. We somehow made it work, by talking on the phone for hours every night, to alternating weekend visits. In October, my world came crashing down (hey I was 18, give me a break).

The Punk had cheated on me. On my 18th birthday, he went to his school's fall dance (I don't remember why I wasn't able to go?) with his "friend" Audrey, and they kissed. Nothing more, but I was still devastated. I remember being at work when Stacey texted me to tell me she had heard. My heart stopped as I started getting phone call after phone call from The Punk. It was true. He was sorry. I vowed to never speak to him again.

The next week (I know...I know) we talked. He apologized some more, and we agreed to get back together the next time we saw each other. Which was the day after Thanksgiving. A month away. I blame it on being a dumb high-schooler, but really?! How absurd is that. Getting back together at a pre-determined date? Ugh. Old self, you make me nauseous sometimes.

Well, the Big Day finally came, and we got back together. Things were fine, until I went to visit Stacey who had that point moved to California to pursue her dream of being an actress (and the girl actually did it!). It was February, and as Stace and I gossiped and ate Chinese food while creeping on Myspace, I noticed something. The Punk was immature. I mean, very. I guess I had never noticed the effects of our age gap before. I knew in my gut that I shouldn't be with him, so I broke things off. With a Myspace message. Yes...I was that girl.

After tumulus years of hating each other to being friends to liking each other to falling back in love, The Punk and I maintained this pretty awesome friendship. He is the only ex I talk to today. The Punk was my first love, and a place in my heart will always be his. We like to play the "what if?" game, but I think both of us know that we're just simply never meant to be. He's become the kind of friend that I can tell anything to, and I cherish that. I never thought I would consider the first boy to break my heart one of my greatest friends, but whatever.

Stay tuned for more of The Boyfriend Diaries. Trust me, I have plenty.

Are you and your first love still friends?

Yours truly and The Punk. This wasn't taken when we dated, probably a year or so after. We were at a house party, which explains the goofy expressions. I also look 5.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My Bucket List

Well, it's been a week since "the official break-up," and I'm doing alright. I say alright, because while I realize more and more every day that Tyler was not right for me and there was a lot about him and our relationship I didn't like, it's still hard. A break-up always is. It's hard knowing you're Not half of a couple. I not only am without a "love," but also a great friend. He of course spouted off the "I really want to stay friends" speech, but I ignored it. I need my time. My space. I also have realized something HUGE this past week. I need to live my life for one else. With that being said, I want to make a list of things I want to do/accomplish in my life. For me.
*start going to church again. I went to church with my best friend and her husband this weekend, and loved it. I'm definitely going back.
*visit Chicago and do all the touristy things, like go see The Bean.
*adopt a child, whether it is financially or physically.
*buy a new car.
*get my own apartment.
*go on a cruise.
*go zip lining.
*take surfing Hawaii.
*go to the Harry Potter theme park.
*go on a ride in a hot-air balloon.
*learn how to actually do my hair (curl, french braid, sock bun, etc.).
*get in shape.
*run a marathon.
*swim with dolphins.
*reconcile with my dad.
*visit my "sister" in Japan (exchange student my family hosted in high school).
*be completely debt-free.
*get Lasik surgery (sooooo scared of this!)
*visit every continent.
*become more self confident.
*be truly 100% happy.

What's on your bucket list?


Thursday, September 20, 2012

I believe in...

I'm linking up with one of my FAVORITE bloggers today, Erin from Living in Yellow. We live in the same state and I hope I get to meet her IRL some day.
I believe in...
...taking long, luxurious naps whenever possible.
...laughing until your cheeks hurt.
...cranking up your radio and singing your heart out to a song that makes your heart happy. Right now, that song is TSwift's newest. Thanks, Swifty!
...true love. My soul mate is out there, somewhere.
...chocolate as a cure-all.
...retail therapy.
...girl time, family time, and boy time.
...bubble baths.
...Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. No matter how far I stray, He loves me.
...not having a home without a pet.
...the power of a good book and cup of coffee on a rainy day. life to the fullest, because you never know how long you have.
...the cure to cancer. It's out there, somewhere. Waiting to be discovered.
...a good, hard, cleansing cry...the kind that exhausts you so you sleep peacefully for the first time in days.
...the kindness of strangers.
...the power of music.
...the power of love.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Mr. Perfect (for me)


Does anyone remember the movie Practical Magic? It had Sandra Bullock in it, and it was about sisters that were witches (the good kind). In one of the scenes early on in the movie, the actress playing kid-Sandra is making a "spell" for her ideal man. At the time, I laughed because this kid is all of 12 years old...waaaaay too young to even be thinking about love. But now? Now I get it. Because her "ideal man" finds her and they fall in love (of course). With recent happenings in my life, I wish it was that easy. I do truly believe that God put a man somewhere on this earth especially for me. My soul mate. I just wish he would hurry up and find me. Or I would find him. Either one.

Before anyone jumps down my throat, give me a chance to explain myself. I will be 25 next month. I've been through quite a roller coaster the past 3 years, and I have matured into the person that I hope I am for years to come. I know who I am, and I am comfortable with that. I also know exactly what I want/don't want in my soul mate. I say soul mate, because when I get married it will be only once. I'm a "divorced kid," and hate it. Obviously I don't want that to happen to my future offspring.

All that being said, I've made a small list. God, I know you read my blog. Or at least I hope you do. I hope the man you made for me has some of these qualities, if not all of them. Thanks :)

My soul mate will... close with his family, and want to be close with my family. close to God, and understand that He is an important part in any relationship (something I've forgotten over the past years). me in all of my efforts, offer a shoulder to me when I fail and a hug for when I succeed. up for trying new things with me. wise, confident, mature, honest, funny, caring, accepting, understanding, and faithful. me enough to fight for our relationship if need be.
...realize that I, as most girls, love random surprises, and act accordingly. a good cook and a good enough sport to be okay with doing 75% of the cooking (I've got dessert duty!).
...not be afraid to say "I love you" every day or even multiple times a day. me for who I am, and will not try to mold me into someone he wishes I was.

Well, there ya have it. There is so much more that I could add to this, but I think I'll save that for another time. Oh, and God? If you could make him look like this man, I'd really appreciate it. ;)
xo, Cate

Saturday, September 15, 2012

9/15/ almost wedding

DISCLAIMER: This is a long, text heavy post. But..please read. I'd be grateful.

9/15/12 was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. It was supposed to an extremely special day full of family, friends, love, and laughter. 9/15/12 was supposed to be my wedding day.

Roger and I met in high school in 2004. We didn’t date until my junior year of college, 2009 (long story…post on that later). He proposed on St. Patricks Day of 2011, while we were vacationing with friends on South Beach. I was shocked. Not that he was thinking marriage (we had talked about it before), but shocked that it was so soon. We hadn’t even been dating 2 years…

I said yes, of course. Immediately after that, I started planning my wedding. No joke, I was standing on the beach thinking about dates, venues, dresses, etc. I should have known then what a mistake I had made.

Fast forward a couple months to end of summer. I was now working as an insurance agent, working looong hours, and making twice what Roger made as a biomedical technician. I offered to help out with bills, but for some reason, he took offense to that. I brushed it off, and continued working harder and harder. My hard work paid off when I was invited to attend a conference at my company’s headquarters in McKinney, TX. I was so excited, and told Roger that night. The only thing he said was “you’re going to be gone for an entire week? What am I supposed to do?” The closer the time for the conference got, the more controlling and demanding Roger was. It got to the point where I relished my long days, so I didn’t have to go home and be miserable with a fiancé that hated my job, complained about my hours, and whined about me wanting to hang out with friends.

The conference finally came, and I was free from his negativity for an entire week. It was blissful. One night, as I lay in my hotel room texting with a work friend back home, I realized that I missed my work friends a lot more than Roger. In fact, I didn’t miss Roger at all. This sent off warning bells in my head.

When I got home from Texas, I sat Roger down and told him we needed to talk. I explained that I wasn’t happy, and I told him why. I also told him I wanted to start our pre-marital counseling early. He scoffed at that idea, and refused to go. I cried my eyes out on our futon that night, and when I woke up, I knew what I had to do. I packed a bag, took off my ring, and wrote a note to Roger. I explained that I was serious, and if he didn’t want to commit to counseling to make our relationship work, I would leave. I told him I was going to stay with a friend, that I needed time to think.

Being away from him that first night opened my eyes to just how controlled my life was. I was his puppet. I went through the motions and he pulled the strings. I knew then that I had to leave. I called and asked if he had thought about counseling, and he said what he always did…”I don’t think we need it…can’t we just talk?”  I was driving then, and I pulled over, put my head down, and mumbled the dreaded words. “I don’t think this is going to work out. I’ll come get my things this weekend. I’ll leave the ring (he had given it back to me and pleaded with me to wear it).

That night was about 13 months ago. We stayed friends at first, and then he started dating around November. We still occasionally talked up until this June, when he met Tyler at my best friend’s wedding. His girlfriend wasn’t there, so I can only imagine how uncomfortable he was. My heart aches that we aren’t friends anymore, but I know I hurt him deeply.

I hope that whatever he ends up doing today, he is happy. He deserves to be happy, and so do I. So, what am I doing?   I’m not too sure. I was supposed to have plans with Tyler, but if you read my letters post you know why that isn't happening. Definitely planning on some retail therapy and a pedicure though.  It’s not quite comparable to a wedding night, but I wouldn’t have that any other way J


Friday, September 14, 2012

Friday's Letters

Linking up with Ashley today. Haven't done it in awhile.

Dear Parents, you left for a week in Hawaii this morning. I'm jealous. You better bring me some pineapple or I won't water your plants.
Dear wedding dress in my closet, I was supposed to wear you tomorrow. Maybe I'll put you on tonight just to see if you fit. (post elaborating on that tomorrow, and it's a good one. Tune in, folks.)
Dear Triple A aka Alexandra, seriously, I love you. And I don't even know you. That might be slightly creepy to people not in blog-land, but we get it. Thank you so much for your encouragment these past few days. What would I do without you?
Dear relationships, suck. Tyler and I are on a "break." I don't even know what that means. Supposedly we are talking on Monday but I'm not getting my hopes up.
Dear Castleton Mall, get ready for an invasion tomorrow. Brokenhearted Cate+payday=a much needed shopping spree. Hitting up F21 and H&M for some cheapies but goodies.
Dear job, you should really give me a raise so that I can splurge even more this weekend.
Dear supervisor, I'm kind of sad you're leaving. We were just getting used to each other and actually getting along...bummer.
Dear weekend, this one is going to be rough...especially without Ty. Please be good to me.


Friday, September 7, 2012

D Diaries #1

I know, I know. I haven't posted in forever. Part of it is because I haven't really had time, part of it is because I didn't feel like it, and part of it is because I didn't like the blogger I was becoming. Sure, doing happy fun link-ups is fun, but I started this blog as something more. I started it as a place to write down my thoughts, as a sort of therapy. I need to get back to that.

If you haven't been paying attention to older posts, I have depression. I choose to not be medicated, because I don't like how medication makes me feel (except Exedrin Migraine and Midol!). This means there are lots of days where I am completely fine, and days where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.

With that being said, lets get one thing straight. I am NOT "depressed." I have depression. There is a difference. There is a chemical inbalance in my brain that causes me to be this way. It can be triggered by different things, and can be repressed sometimes, but it is always there.

The earliest I can remember having my depression is when I was in middle school. My beloved grandpa had passed away the year before I started 7th grade, and for some reason, without him I was lost. I got terrible grades, and was absolutely horrible to live with. I was sad all the time, and at that point I was suicidal. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to be with my grandpa. I remember telling my mom that, and we cried together on my bed. I was secretly hoping that she would take me to Valley Vista, an in/outpatient treatment center. I knew I needed help. Well, she didn't...instead I was sent to a therapist for anger managment therapy. Amy was really nice, but I could never get up the courage to tell her the things that were running through my head.

I dealt with my "issue" (back then I thought what I was feeling was embarrassing and wrong) by becoming extremely nasty to live with, getting horrible grades, and generally being unpleasant. I never brought up my feelings with my mom again, and kept them to myself. I didn't talk to anyone about it, not even my best friend. To this day, she doesn't know.

My junior year of high school, I got myself in gear grades-wise. I realized that college was my chance to escape, and I had always dreamed of film school. I struggled in class, and was trying my best to improve my grades little by little. My mom is an optometrist, and is extremely smart. So smart, that she felt the need to kep all of her report cards and compare them to mine every quarter/semester. As I looked at her row of As and then at my row of C+ and Bs...I felt awful. I didn't say anything because I knew nothing would help the situation. She broke a piece of my heart and trust with every comparison. My trust in her was completely gone the day she caught me on AIM instead of doing math homework. After yelling and taking my computer away, she told me (I will never forget these words as long as I live) "You'll never get in to college. You'll never amount to anything. You're going to live in a box under a bridge and ask 'do you want fries with that' as a career."  I decided to prove her wrong. I got in to 6/10 schools I had applied to. I only told my parents about 1...Eureka. It was the cheapest. Regardless of my private success, her words had triggered my depression and I spent the rest of high school sullen, quiet, and going through the motions.

In college, I felt like I could breathe again. I was away from my parents, who I associated with my depression and anxiety (yes, I had developed that as well). I made some bad choices my freshman year as far as going to classes, so sophomore year I found myself falling behind in everything. I started having panic attacks, and would go through days of severe depression. I'm talking hiding in my room, being completely withdrawn and silent, and general all-around gloom. I was talking to a dear family friend one night, and I admitted what I was feeling. Joey, bless his heart, jumped into action, called my mom to explain the situation, and drove 3 1/2 hours in the snow to come get me. At 9 pm. He spent the night and we drove to Indy the next day in a blizzard. I stayed home for a week, then went back to school. My mom and I never really discussed how I was feeling, she just accepted the fact that I needed to be home for a bit.

I graduated college, went through multiple jobs, and here I am. About to turn 25, working for an Indycar team, have a wonderful boyfriend, etc. And yet...I find myself falling back into that dark time. I finally mustered up the courage to tell Tyler, and he suggested therapy. I chose to start this blog.

So please, bare with me. I'm struggling.

Have any of you suffered through this? Known anyone that has? Does anyone understand? I as always, appreciate kind thoughts and good advice.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

If Only...

I usually do WILW on hump days, but my mind is too full of random thoughts. Mostly one in particular

...sometimes I wish my boyfriend was different.

Don't get me wrong, I love Tyler. I really do. But lately...reading all these blogs and watching people around me makes me wish for something more. My love style is words of affirmation. I thrive on people complimenting me, telling me how happy I make them, telling me they love me, etc. Tyler's love style is...nonexistent it seems. He knows perfectly well how I crave hearing those three little words, or even just a "you make me happy, Cate." Unfortunately...he doesn't do things like that very often. I hate reminding him that words are how I feel loved, but whenever he notices that I'm particularly sad looking and asks why, that is the reason 75% of the time.

I obsess over why I am feeling this way, and tell myself to get a grip. I went from a very controlling relationship to being single for a while to a relationship where I have more freedom than I want. I want him to call/text me just to check up on me. I want him to be more spontaneous. I want to feel more loved. Right now...I question his love for me almost daily, which isn't fair to him. I know that everyone shows their love in a different way, and maybe I just haven't figured his out yet, but this is driving me crazy. I wish there was a way to explain this to him without getting overly emotional, but so far no luck.

Have any of you ever dealt with something like this?


Friday, August 24, 2012

Friday's Letters & A Secret

It's Friiiiiiiiday! The best day! Actually...can I tell you all a secret? I'm not THAT fond of Fridays. I know, I know. It's just...I know that I only have 2 days off of work then it's back to the grind. I know that's weird.

Anyway, even though Ashley is "under construction", I'm still doing my favorite Friday's Letters! (totally dropped the ball yesterday with IOT...oops).
Dear TKE's at Panera, I was surprised to see a bunch of frat guys on my lunch hour, especially my least favorite kind (the TKE's at my alma mater are...not good role models.) However, I was pleased that you were kind and gracious. Thank you.
Dear former fellow employee, how dumb ARE you to put an item of clothing that belongs to our team on craigslist and assume we wouldn't find out? It's called stealing, and you're lucky I'm not in charge of getting it back.
Dear drivers on our team, lets please win at Sonoma, okay? And Baltimore. Fontana too would be great. Just looking out for every one's best interests ;)
Dear extended family, I get to see a lot of you this weekend. I'm so excited! Especially because we all make fun of my parents and it is glorious.
Dear Tyler, please don't be scared of my extended family. I mean...I know you're not easily intimidated, but we can get crazy. The ones that have met you already love you like I knew they would. Thank you for being willing and happy to spend the weekend with us :)
Dear September, I used to really like you, since you have Labor Day (3 day weekend!) and my best friend's birthday, but I find myself dreading you this year. If you could skip over the 15th, that would be very much appreciated.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Spaghetti & Man Parts

I'm so glad it's Wednesday. I have some family coming to town from kaaaaantucky and I can't wait to see them. Mainly my cousin's sweet baby, Maddie. I have a feeling my mom and I are going to fight over her allll weekend. For now, I'm linking up here for What I'm Loving Wednesday!
1) I finally got the chance to open my August Birchbox, and found not one but two full size items. A Stila eyeliner in Stargazer (meh...I'm currently obsessed with e.l.f eye pens, so this was nice but not needed) and a new kind of razor! And just when I was about to go waste my money on a new one, too :) Cant wait to try this little beauty out. Supposed to be SUPER moisturizing. 
2) I convinced my stepdad to make me spaghetti on Monday night. Now, this isn't just any ol spaghetti ( might be to some of you). I've called it "Daddy's Special Spaghetti" since I was about 4, and am in love with it. It's basically a heart attack on a plate, but I gobble it down in about 5 seconds every single time. He's tried to teach me how to make it and it never comes out right. Something about how he doesn't use much water and puts tons of butter in it and 3 different kinds of cheeses all at different times...yum. I always eat it with frozen peas. Weird, I know.
3) The fundraiser I'm working on is starting to take shape! Trust me, you all will definitely hear more about this as time goes by, but just know that it will be an online auction, Indycar themed, and will be in October :)
4) It's starting to get cooler here, which means that FALL is almost here! I love fall so much. Leaves, sweaters, boots, apple cider, cute coats, my birthday (10/26 and I even have a wish list here!) and so much more. Not to mention the massive amount of pumpkin things I will be eating.
I'll leave you with a few pictures of my furbaby, what else?!
Tucker and Gibbs (Tyler's Collie) were sleeping on each other..SO cute! Too bad my phone woke them up.
Handsome Tuck after being groomed. For some reason the groomer um..shaved his man parts. He wasn't a fan and now he looks redic going down stairs. It reminds me of the running scenes in Juno.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Back to School, Back to School

to prove to Dad I'm not a fool...

Back to school posts are clogging up my Twitter/Facebook right now. Most of them are negative...and I kind of want to shake those people. They think school is hard? Just wait until you get out of it, buddy. Sure, classes and exams are tough, but what's even tougher is finding a job that pays off those classes and exams. Unless of course you're lucky enough to not have loans (or convinced your daddy to pay them off for you like my spoiled brat of an ex-roommate). After doing a guest post for Alexandra on how I landed at my current job, I started thinking of just how lucky I was. Then I had to pay all my bills. Then I got pissed and wished I was going back to school with everyone else...and had to settle for wishful-thinking school shopping online (you know...when you fill your cart with things to buy and then get sad that you can't afford it because Sallie Mae* is sucking you dry). I'll let you lovely readers in on my "wishlist" (all 4 of you! haha).
Xhilaration® Tan/Pink Neon Backpack
A super cute stylish backpack! I was definitely one of those girls that just threw everything into an old Jansport, and could never find anything. This has lots of pockets, so if the cute new transfer sitting next to you asks for a pen, you can find him one before Slutface McGee practically throws one at him.

Womens Anna Solid Rain Boots - Yellow
A good pair of rain boots. My college campus was only a few city blocks long (tiny private Christian school), but walking to class in the rain or snow was still horrendous. Sometimes I'd drive the block and a half to math at 7:00 am if I didn't want to get the bottoms of my pants soaked (#shortgirlproblems). Yes, I know that's a waste of gas, and no, I didn't care.

Victoria's Secret/46.50
Sweatpants. Lots and lots of sweatpants. At my school, you could ALWAYS tell who was a freshman by how they dressed the first couple weeks of school. Fitted blazers, cute skirts, little peep-toe pumps for the girls. Distressed jeans and polos with a TON of cologne for the guys. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors looked like they just rolled out of bed. Most of the time, we did. Mornings were for hitting the snooze button, watching cartoons/the news while shoveling cereal in our mouths, and trying to get rid of hangovers...not primping. It wasn't uncommon for girls to be brushing their teeth in the bathrooms on the academic side of campus (hey, at least we brushed them).

HP ENVY Sleekbook 15.6" Laptop PC (6-1014nr) with 500GB Hard Drive, 4GB Memory, Beats Audio – Black
A cute, light laptop. I wish I had had one in college. I was probably the only person there that had a desktop computer, but it was a very nice one. A laptop not only makes note-taking a lot easier during lectures, but also provides entertainment for those days where you're just not interested in what's being taught (come on, we all have/had those days). Right now I'm lusting after the HP UltraBook, but unless my current one croaks, I'll just keep wishin'.

That's all, chickadees. Oh! That reminds me. I watched Here Comes Honey Boo Boo last night online, and I...have no words. I do like the nickname Chickadee, though. She seems the most normal. That's saying a lot, since she's the pregnant 17 year old. 'Mericahh.. Where that is normal... 


*Sallie Mae is the loan place that harasses you for months on end. They apparently think all college graduates make 50k a year right after they leave school. Pft. Crazies.