Saturday, September 15, 2012

9/15/ almost wedding

DISCLAIMER: This is a long, text heavy post. But..please read. I'd be grateful.

9/15/12 was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. It was supposed to an extremely special day full of family, friends, love, and laughter. 9/15/12 was supposed to be my wedding day.

Roger and I met in high school in 2004. We didn’t date until my junior year of college, 2009 (long story…post on that later). He proposed on St. Patricks Day of 2011, while we were vacationing with friends on South Beach. I was shocked. Not that he was thinking marriage (we had talked about it before), but shocked that it was so soon. We hadn’t even been dating 2 years…

I said yes, of course. Immediately after that, I started planning my wedding. No joke, I was standing on the beach thinking about dates, venues, dresses, etc. I should have known then what a mistake I had made.

Fast forward a couple months to end of summer. I was now working as an insurance agent, working looong hours, and making twice what Roger made as a biomedical technician. I offered to help out with bills, but for some reason, he took offense to that. I brushed it off, and continued working harder and harder. My hard work paid off when I was invited to attend a conference at my company’s headquarters in McKinney, TX. I was so excited, and told Roger that night. The only thing he said was “you’re going to be gone for an entire week? What am I supposed to do?” The closer the time for the conference got, the more controlling and demanding Roger was. It got to the point where I relished my long days, so I didn’t have to go home and be miserable with a fiancĂ© that hated my job, complained about my hours, and whined about me wanting to hang out with friends.

The conference finally came, and I was free from his negativity for an entire week. It was blissful. One night, as I lay in my hotel room texting with a work friend back home, I realized that I missed my work friends a lot more than Roger. In fact, I didn’t miss Roger at all. This sent off warning bells in my head.

When I got home from Texas, I sat Roger down and told him we needed to talk. I explained that I wasn’t happy, and I told him why. I also told him I wanted to start our pre-marital counseling early. He scoffed at that idea, and refused to go. I cried my eyes out on our futon that night, and when I woke up, I knew what I had to do. I packed a bag, took off my ring, and wrote a note to Roger. I explained that I was serious, and if he didn’t want to commit to counseling to make our relationship work, I would leave. I told him I was going to stay with a friend, that I needed time to think.

Being away from him that first night opened my eyes to just how controlled my life was. I was his puppet. I went through the motions and he pulled the strings. I knew then that I had to leave. I called and asked if he had thought about counseling, and he said what he always did…”I don’t think we need it…can’t we just talk?”  I was driving then, and I pulled over, put my head down, and mumbled the dreaded words. “I don’t think this is going to work out. I’ll come get my things this weekend. I’ll leave the ring (he had given it back to me and pleaded with me to wear it).

That night was about 13 months ago. We stayed friends at first, and then he started dating around November. We still occasionally talked up until this June, when he met Tyler at my best friend’s wedding. His girlfriend wasn’t there, so I can only imagine how uncomfortable he was. My heart aches that we aren’t friends anymore, but I know I hurt him deeply.

I hope that whatever he ends up doing today, he is happy. He deserves to be happy, and so do I. So, what am I doing?   I’m not too sure. I was supposed to have plans with Tyler, but if you read my letters post you know why that isn't happening. Definitely planning on some retail therapy and a pedicure though.  It’s not quite comparable to a wedding night, but I wouldn’t have that any other way J


1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this story Cate. ::hugs:: Retail therapy and pedicure is just what you need. And maybe chocolate.