Update

Hi All,

I know it's been a really long time since I posted. I'm sorry. What can I say, I just like reading blogs better than writing in one. Let's see...what has happened since I last posted?

February- The man I talked about in my last post and I started officially dating. He's 29, so 4 years older than me. At first that made me nervous but then I realized how mature and real he is. He's amazing, he really is. I am so thankful for him every day.

March- Racing season started. All hell broke loose at work, since I had never prepared for a race by myself. Thankfully, I made it through....so I thought. More on that a couple months down the road.

April- S's maternity leave ended, and she decided not to return to work for the team. I interviewed with our President for the position and got it!! Along with more responsibility, I got a large pay raise. I leased a new car, my first one! I had been driving my poor Honda CRV for 10 years, and it was time to get a new one. I'm the proud leaser of a 2013 Ford Focus in Electric Blue...and I LOVEE her.

May- Indianapolis 500 month. AKA "work is super busy as hell" month. I made it through, after multiple glasses of wine, crying sessions, and pep talks. Too bad the outcome wasn't what we expected.

June- Life as usual, nothing special happened.

July- My world came crumbling down when on July 3rd, I was demoted. Out of the blue. No one knew about it, and I walked in to the conference room and say the look on my HR Director's face. She looked as astonished as I felt after my supervisor told me what he was doing. I still don't have a reason for why this happened to me. No one does. I was offered my old position at the front desk, and given until Monday (July 8th) to decide.

After much debate, I decided to take my old position. However, I am actively looking for other opportunities. The feeling of being here is....awful. I dread going to work every day. I am so embarrassed when someone else asks me why I'm at the front desk. The worst part of it is, I feel as though most of the management is extremely happy. I feel very disconnected from the team, like an outsider.  This was how I felt as the receptionist originally, but it's a lot bigger now. I'm not sure if it is because my "new" position isn't very active, but I find myself sitting down here with tears rolling down my cheeks every day, feeling worthless. Inadequate. Stupid.

My relationship with Chris and our fur babies are the only things that keep me going. Chris is my rock. I love him so much and am so glad to have him in my life. My friends have been really great through all of this, the same with my family, but none of them know what this feels like, nor do they understand.

Please keep me in your prayers.

CATE

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Am I Crazy?

It's been awhile. I started this blog as a way to deal with depression, and lately I can feel that dark cloud lifting. I've also been so freaking busy that I haven't wanted or cared to sit down and write. Oops.

I told someone about this blog and why I started it. Kind of weird since we just met AND they are very good with computers and are probably reading this right now (hi handsome!). I kind of hope not though. I'm an extremely open person when it comes to talking about my past and what-not, but I'm not proud of the person I used to be. I let this person read a few pages of my recently rediscovered Xanga, and I'm so glad he stopped before he got to the awful drama crap I used to involve myself in. Last night I let myself get really down thinking about some of the situations I put myself in with my "friends" but then as I was walking the dog and trying to keep him from running after the geese that were flying above us (newsflash, Tucker...you can't fly!), I thought of how much I have grown as a person since then. I should be proud, instead of embarrassed.

Thinking positively/highly of myself is something that I've always struggled with. I don't really know why, but maybe that explains why I don't really know how to take a compliment, or I get nervous and turn red when the attention is on me. I'm beginning to get better about this though.

Work is slowly wearing me down, I think. I love it though, and am so blessed to work with some pretty amazing people. I truly feel like most of them watch out for me, and like having me here. Right now I'm still juggling two positions. Two days a week I am at the front desk (my "actual" job), and three days a week I am covering a maternity leave in a completely different department, which is where the "wearing me down" thing comes in. S didn't get a chance to fully train me before she had her son, so some of the things I do are educated guesses. I'm kind of terrified that I will mess something up that will be detrimental to everyone on the team, but I think I'm doing an okay job so far. I wish I had a better memory though. Or more time in a day. Most everyone is being extremely helpful since we're ALL adjusting in S's absence, but there are those who aren't really being...supportive. I run around like a chicken with its' head cut off 3 days a week and sometimes my work load from that job spills over into the days I'm at my desk...I'm sorry. I wish it didn't but that is how it is right now. I can't be in two places at once. Hearing complaints that I'm not doing the "one thing I'm supposed to" really irritates me. It's Murphy's Law that my phone will ring as soon as I step away from my desk. Please deal with it.

I let a colleague set me up. Surprisingly, it is working so far. This man has an absolutely amazing personality, makes me laugh for hours, and is unbelievably sweet. Not bad to look at either ;) Spending time with him makes me forget about everything. On one hand, I like having him in my life. On the other hand, it terrifies me how much I like him, how well we get along, etc. I tend to fall hard and fast, which ultimately ruins relationships. I don't want to ruin this one. I'm trying really hard to be nonchalant and distant but every time he flashes that amazing smile and his green eyes crinkle I fall a little more. Ugh. I'm in trouble.

Life Update

It’s been…forever. Oops. Sorry about that. I don’t make resolutions but if I did, one would be to blog more. For now, here is a little life update!

Home- I officially moved the weekend before Christmas! I have the cutest little one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes closer to work. Heck yeah for only a 30 minute commute now! I really like living on my own, but sometimes it can be a bit lonely. I like all the neighbors I’ve met so far. Luckily Tucker makes it easy to meet people which is good because I am so freaking shy that I stutter and turn red when anyone approaches me out of the blue.

Tucker- I loooove having him live with me now (he used to live with my ex until I moved…awkward). He is the BEST company. The best part of my day is when I get home from work and his big ole butt/tail is wagging so fast and he’s so excited to see me. Either that or he has to pee. I prefer to think that he’s excited his mama is home. I’ve quickly found that living with him is like living with a man. He: burps (sometimes in my face), farts ( sometimes in my face/lap), snores so freaking loud RIGHT NEXT TO ME in bed, hogs the bed, follows me around everywhere (yes…even when I go to the bathroom or am in the shower, leaves ALL of his toys out for me to trip over (he even has been flipping his little toy basket upside down to get everything out even though he has three favorites), and many many more. Despite all this, I love having him with me. He’s doing better about being on a potty schedule. We go for a short walk at around 6:50 AM, then another when I get home at 5:30, then a final one at 9ish.

Job- sooo hectic right now. The girl that I was training with to cover her maternity leave had the baby 5 weeks early (she and Baby are fine!) SO right now I’m doing parts of her job as WELL as mine. Why is that? Well, 1) we don’t have a temp for my job yet and 2) the coworker that is supposed to be helping me out by covering my desk is being very difficult right now. She has “so much to catch up on” since she decided to take a vacation (and not tell basically anyone) last week. I’m not sure if she understands that she can very well do everything she needs to do at MY desk. I just need her down here. How hard is that to understand?! Ugh.

Dating life- is…interesting.

30 year-old finally got the hint and I haven’t heard from him in weeks.

27 year-old still randomly texts me sometimes but I’ve given up hope that he wants anything other than a physical relationship.

26 year-old teacher man (TM) is slowly being removed from my mind. He’s adorable and very sweet but doesn’t really talk to me like he used to. Also obsessed with sports and working out. Gets mad when he loses a basketball game and pouts about it all day. Dude. Grow up!

Tyler (ex) is very confusing. I think now that I’ve decided that we are never ever ever getting back together (thanks TSwift!), he’s trying anything he can. He’s basically being the guy he was at the beginning of our relationship, the guy I wish he still was. It’s weird. And confusing. We’ve had several interesting conversations recently.

Last but certainly not least: 25 year old financial analyst (FA). We’ve been out on 2 dates. I even let him pick me up for the 2^nd one so he could meet Tucker. Also gave me a very sweet kiss.  He’s very nice and so fun to be around. I hope there is a 3^rd date but I’m not sure if he feels the same. See, because of stupid ex, I now find myself second guessing everything. For example: Am I texting FA too much? Does he think I’m annoying? Does FA really even want to see me? Was that a pity kiss? If it wasn’t did he even enjoy it? I’M DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY. Then I think things like “man I wonder what FA would say if he knew all these thoughts are running through my head” and that is a whole other issue.

I plan on writing some more about the apartment, also a date breakdown later in the week. HOPEFULLY.

 

Also, my birth father (who I am not very close to but we’re working on it) has surgery to remove his prostate cancer on Monday morning. He does not think he will make it through the surgery as he always has trouble waking up after any major operation. Please, please pray for him.