12.14.12

Sometimes, I hate that we have the news on all day at work. I’m finding myself glued to it, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I still can’t believe that 28 souls were lost (including the shooter and his mother, whom he shot in her home). Yes, I included the shooter. While I believe that he is a monster for killing those sweet innocent babies, he still has a soul. I do hope he does not cross through the Pearly Gates, but instead is banished to watch the 20 little ones laugh and play with each other and our Savior for eternity. They are at peace.

I’m not quite sure why this shooting has affected me so much, but it has. I was in elementary school when the Columbine tragedy happened and I was too young to understand, but I clearly remember every school shooting since then. I went to college in Illinois, and when the NIU shooting happened, I was there when my friend Eddie got a call saying that his best friend died that day. Her name is Ryanne Mace, and if she was anything like Eddie, she had the biggest heart in the world.

Maybe I feel connected because this happened to innocent children as well as innocent adults. 5-6 year olds. I can’t even imagine being family to one of those poor babies. I can’t imagine being a resident of Newtown.  My heart aches for all of them. For all of us. We live in a world where this HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.

When I was a senior in high school, some freshmen plotted to take our principal hostage and gun down the gym while all of the seniors were in it for an assembly. Thankfully, a friend of theirs alerted administration that morning. I would have been in that gym. My best friends would have been in that gym. I haven’t thought about that day for a long time, but I am so so thankful that someone prevented it from turning into a tragedy.

I have to wonder about all of this. Did Lanza have a friend, acquaintance, family member, stranger he told of his plan? Based on the fact that he killed his mother before he went to SHES (according to various media reports), his massacre was pre-meditated.  Did no one know? I’m not in any way trying to blame anyone, I just wonder. That’s all I can do.

I had to turn away during our President’s speech. Watching our nation’s leader cry over lost children, and realizing his pain was just too much. He gets it. He’s a father. He is also right. This must be stopped. I’ve read through enough countless arguments about gun control to understand that the solution isn’t that easy. I wish that people would just simply realize that no matter the situation, taking lives is not the answer. It doesn’t matter if you have a gun, knife, paperclip, whatever. Just don’t do it.

It breaks my heart that instead of focusing our attention on respecting the lost and trying to come up with a solution to stop this, we use this as a platform for views on gun control/mental health/etc. I have my own opinions about both of those, especially as I suffer from depression, but I will keep those to myself. Right now, I’m thinking about those sweet lives lost. I hope you do too.

Dear My 15-year-old self

Dear 15-year-old self,

You’re a skinny, pasty, awkward freshman in high school. Every day you wake up at 5:30 to shower and try to tame your unruly mane (this was before flat irons were so easily accessible).  Sadly, it doesn’t help. You spend much of the year looking like you just rolled out of bed.

You lug your viola to and from school every other day (we had a block schedule) and people laugh at the skinny little “orch dork.” Let’s face it…you are. You don’t mess with drugs or alcohol, and sex isn’t even an option because no guy even looks at you. All in all, you’re a good kid. But boy, that mouth you have! Talking back to your parents gets you in trouble every. single. week.  Just keep it shut and complain on your Xanga (cgkat87 for those of you that want some reading pleasure).

You continue your friendship with that tall half Japanese girl you started last year. She will become your best friend. Surprisingly, you guys will NEVER fight. About anything. At all. When you’re both 24, you’ll be her maid of honor at her wedding to her high school sweetheart, and you’ll cry like a baby. Allison is the peanut butter to your jelly, and you two will go through a LOT together.

That guy that always stares at Allison and tries to flirt with her? He’ll become your other best friend, like your older brother. Sadly you fall in love with him when you’re in college and he’s in the Navy, and your friendship ends on an awkward note. You miss him every day, but he’s happily married now.

Besides you and Allison, there are two others in your little group of friends. Jessica is your new neighbor, and is the most happy-go-lucky person you’ll ever meet. She moves to Chicago after college and aside from a few chance encounters, you don’t hear from her. Christina you’ve known since elementary school. You’ve always been wary of her since first grade and she wouldn’t let you on the tunnel slide…but you let the past be the past and try to be her friend. DON’T. That witch makes your high school career hell every time she gets “mad” at you for something. Senior year you finally stand up to her and when she decides she’s done being mad at you “that time,” you don’t accept her apology. You still think about her time to time, and wonder if she still cheats on her fiancé on the reg.

Speaking of fiancé, you know that awkward boy that’s friends with Alex? He’ll become your fiancé one day. Sadly, things don’t work out and you hightail it out of that relationship, but not before learning some of the most important lessons of your life, and growing up along the way.

Your 15^th year of life will be filled with homework and tests, movies and shopping, times with friends, family spats, friend spats (85% with Christina), trials and hardships, and triumphs and joy. You hate it when you live it, but I bet you have no clue how much you want to go back to that year a decade later.

Love,

Your 25-year-old self

Update and Dilemma

I realize I haven’t written in a while. Honestly, I probably should have…just have not had the time/energy/motivation to do so. Thus, this will probably be a long(er) post, split into two parts; a life update and a dilemma.

LIFE UPDATE

-          Went to southern Kentucky for Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle’s with my grandma and Tucker. Tuck got neutered right before we left, so he was extremely chilled out due to his medication when we were there. Needless to say, he was very good and everyone fell in love with him. Especially my grandma. She asks about him constantly.

-          I move into my new place in a matter of weeks! 2.5 to be exact. I’m so excited, but I still need a few things. Expensive things, like a microwave, couch, and TV. Now taking donations ;)

-          Christmas Party (in November?!) for work was so much fun. Sadly didn’t win anything but had a great time chatting with coworkers and their wives. Tyler came with me which I thought would be awkward but it wasn’t! Which leads me to…

DILEMMA

Tyler and I started to kind of “date” again. We went out to dinner a couple of times, talked a lot, and just discussed our issues. I thought we were doing great. Then he informs me that he’s seeing other people as well. Uhh…what?! I was crushed. Then I went home and rejoined the dating site we met on (hey, I can be a brat sometimes.) Unlike the last time I joined and I only met two people including Tyler and ignored everyone else that messaged me, this time I’ve been a little…busier. Here’s what I mean.

- A 27 year old IT specialist. So good looking. And nice…ish. I just have a bad feeling about this one. He seems to only want a physical relationship, which is heartbreaking to me. We talk sporadically, and have been out a handful of times. He’s one of the “hey send me a picture” kind of guys. Yes. *That* kind of picture. Uh…no thanks. He’s the kind of guy that knows he’s cute. I hate that. As much as he frustrates me, for some reason I keep being sucked back in.

- A 30 year old IT specialist. I know, I know. Another one. And this one is FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN ME. And divorced. Recently. I feel conflicted about this one, because he is grown up, knows what he wants, doesn’t play games, he’s attractive…but I let him kiss me and didn’t really feel anything. His marriage ended because they were more like friends than spouses, and although it would be great to be with someone as “put-together” as him, I wonder if our potential relationship would end up the same way. I really enjoy talking to him and spending time with him, but I have a feeling he thinks we’re on a fast track to a relationship.  We’ve only been out twice and he wants me to come over so he can cook me dinner and we can put up his Christmas tree. Sounds nice, but…scary at the same time.

- A 25 year old financial manager. Our first date is tomorrow. Honestly, I don’t know what to think. He seems like a normal guy, which is good. We talk extremely sporadically, and suddenly he is super into wanting to meet. Not sure what to think about that.

- A 26 year old teacher. He lives about 2 ½ hours away, which is unfortunate because I have a really, really good feeling about this one. He loves his job, which makes my heart smile since he works with kids. He is incredibly sweet. This morning he called me when we were both driving to work just to say “I hope you have a great day!” I love things like that. I feel such a connection with him, and I haven’t even actually met him yet. We’re meeting on Saturday and I am so excited! I already feel so comfortable with him, so I know it won’t be awkward. The only issues I have are that he’s so far away, and since we ARE so comfortable I’m worried that things would move faster than I’m okay with.

- A 26 year old student. AKA Tyler. Tyler told me he wants to try again with us and hopefully get back together eventually. My heart is still hanging by a VERY thin thread to him…so I agreed we could try. However, it feels…different. I am so cautious, so on guard.  I have a hard time believing he wants to try. I do not trust him at all, and he knows that. He says he’ll earn it back, but we’ll see.

 

I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. This is new to me, and very weird. I know I’m not doing anything wrong since I am not exclusive with any of these men, but it is still confusing. Please feel free to leave me any and all advice you have!

Have any of you done online dating? Any weird experiences (one of my coworkers found me this time!)? Success stories?