Am I Crazy?

It's been awhile. I started this blog as a way to deal with depression, and lately I can feel that dark cloud lifting. I've also been so freaking busy that I haven't wanted or cared to sit down and write. Oops.

I told someone about this blog and why I started it. Kind of weird since we just met AND they are very good with computers and are probably reading this right now (hi handsome!). I kind of hope not though. I'm an extremely open person when it comes to talking about my past and what-not, but I'm not proud of the person I used to be. I let this person read a few pages of my recently rediscovered Xanga, and I'm so glad he stopped before he got to the awful drama crap I used to involve myself in. Last night I let myself get really down thinking about some of the situations I put myself in with my "friends" but then as I was walking the dog and trying to keep him from running after the geese that were flying above us (newsflash, Tucker...you can't fly!), I thought of how much I have grown as a person since then. I should be proud, instead of embarrassed.

Thinking positively/highly of myself is something that I've always struggled with. I don't really know why, but maybe that explains why I don't really know how to take a compliment, or I get nervous and turn red when the attention is on me. I'm beginning to get better about this though.

Work is slowly wearing me down, I think. I love it though, and am so blessed to work with some pretty amazing people. I truly feel like most of them watch out for me, and like having me here. Right now I'm still juggling two positions. Two days a week I am at the front desk (my "actual" job), and three days a week I am covering a maternity leave in a completely different department, which is where the "wearing me down" thing comes in. S didn't get a chance to fully train me before she had her son, so some of the things I do are educated guesses. I'm kind of terrified that I will mess something up that will be detrimental to everyone on the team, but I think I'm doing an okay job so far. I wish I had a better memory though. Or more time in a day. Most everyone is being extremely helpful since we're ALL adjusting in S's absence, but there are those who aren't really being...supportive. I run around like a chicken with its' head cut off 3 days a week and sometimes my work load from that job spills over into the days I'm at my desk...I'm sorry. I wish it didn't but that is how it is right now. I can't be in two places at once. Hearing complaints that I'm not doing the "one thing I'm supposed to" really irritates me. It's Murphy's Law that my phone will ring as soon as I step away from my desk. Please deal with it.

I let a colleague set me up. Surprisingly, it is working so far. This man has an absolutely amazing personality, makes me laugh for hours, and is unbelievably sweet. Not bad to look at either ;) Spending time with him makes me forget about everything. On one hand, I like having him in my life. On the other hand, it terrifies me how much I like him, how well we get along, etc. I tend to fall hard and fast, which ultimately ruins relationships. I don't want to ruin this one. I'm trying really hard to be nonchalant and distant but every time he flashes that amazing smile and his green eyes crinkle I fall a little more. Ugh. I'm in trouble.

Life Update

It’s been…forever. Oops. Sorry about that. I don’t make resolutions but if I did, one would be to blog more. For now, here is a little life update!

Home- I officially moved the weekend before Christmas! I have the cutest little one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes closer to work. Heck yeah for only a 30 minute commute now! I really like living on my own, but sometimes it can be a bit lonely. I like all the neighbors I’ve met so far. Luckily Tucker makes it easy to meet people which is good because I am so freaking shy that I stutter and turn red when anyone approaches me out of the blue.

Tucker- I loooove having him live with me now (he used to live with my ex until I moved…awkward). He is the BEST company. The best part of my day is when I get home from work and his big ole butt/tail is wagging so fast and he’s so excited to see me. Either that or he has to pee. I prefer to think that he’s excited his mama is home. I’ve quickly found that living with him is like living with a man. He: burps (sometimes in my face), farts ( sometimes in my face/lap), snores so freaking loud RIGHT NEXT TO ME in bed, hogs the bed, follows me around everywhere (yes…even when I go to the bathroom or am in the shower, leaves ALL of his toys out for me to trip over (he even has been flipping his little toy basket upside down to get everything out even though he has three favorites), and many many more. Despite all this, I love having him with me. He’s doing better about being on a potty schedule. We go for a short walk at around 6:50 AM, then another when I get home at 5:30, then a final one at 9ish.

Job- sooo hectic right now. The girl that I was training with to cover her maternity leave had the baby 5 weeks early (she and Baby are fine!) SO right now I’m doing parts of her job as WELL as mine. Why is that? Well, 1) we don’t have a temp for my job yet and 2) the coworker that is supposed to be helping me out by covering my desk is being very difficult right now. She has “so much to catch up on” since she decided to take a vacation (and not tell basically anyone) last week. I’m not sure if she understands that she can very well do everything she needs to do at MY desk. I just need her down here. How hard is that to understand?! Ugh.

Dating life- is…interesting.

30 year-old finally got the hint and I haven’t heard from him in weeks.

27 year-old still randomly texts me sometimes but I’ve given up hope that he wants anything other than a physical relationship.

26 year-old teacher man (TM) is slowly being removed from my mind. He’s adorable and very sweet but doesn’t really talk to me like he used to. Also obsessed with sports and working out. Gets mad when he loses a basketball game and pouts about it all day. Dude. Grow up!

Tyler (ex) is very confusing. I think now that I’ve decided that we are never ever ever getting back together (thanks TSwift!), he’s trying anything he can. He’s basically being the guy he was at the beginning of our relationship, the guy I wish he still was. It’s weird. And confusing. We’ve had several interesting conversations recently.

Last but certainly not least: 25 year old financial analyst (FA). We’ve been out on 2 dates. I even let him pick me up for the 2^nd one so he could meet Tucker. Also gave me a very sweet kiss.  He’s very nice and so fun to be around. I hope there is a 3^rd date but I’m not sure if he feels the same. See, because of stupid ex, I now find myself second guessing everything. For example: Am I texting FA too much? Does he think I’m annoying? Does FA really even want to see me? Was that a pity kiss? If it wasn’t did he even enjoy it? I’M DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY. Then I think things like “man I wonder what FA would say if he knew all these thoughts are running through my head” and that is a whole other issue.

I plan on writing some more about the apartment, also a date breakdown later in the week. HOPEFULLY.

 

Also, my birth father (who I am not very close to but we’re working on it) has surgery to remove his prostate cancer on Monday morning. He does not think he will make it through the surgery as he always has trouble waking up after any major operation. Please, please pray for him.

12.14.12

Sometimes, I hate that we have the news on all day at work. I’m finding myself glued to it, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I still can’t believe that 28 souls were lost (including the shooter and his mother, whom he shot in her home). Yes, I included the shooter. While I believe that he is a monster for killing those sweet innocent babies, he still has a soul. I do hope he does not cross through the Pearly Gates, but instead is banished to watch the 20 little ones laugh and play with each other and our Savior for eternity. They are at peace.

I’m not quite sure why this shooting has affected me so much, but it has. I was in elementary school when the Columbine tragedy happened and I was too young to understand, but I clearly remember every school shooting since then. I went to college in Illinois, and when the NIU shooting happened, I was there when my friend Eddie got a call saying that his best friend died that day. Her name is Ryanne Mace, and if she was anything like Eddie, she had the biggest heart in the world.

Maybe I feel connected because this happened to innocent children as well as innocent adults. 5-6 year olds. I can’t even imagine being family to one of those poor babies. I can’t imagine being a resident of Newtown.  My heart aches for all of them. For all of us. We live in a world where this HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.

When I was a senior in high school, some freshmen plotted to take our principal hostage and gun down the gym while all of the seniors were in it for an assembly. Thankfully, a friend of theirs alerted administration that morning. I would have been in that gym. My best friends would have been in that gym. I haven’t thought about that day for a long time, but I am so so thankful that someone prevented it from turning into a tragedy.

I have to wonder about all of this. Did Lanza have a friend, acquaintance, family member, stranger he told of his plan? Based on the fact that he killed his mother before he went to SHES (according to various media reports), his massacre was pre-meditated.  Did no one know? I’m not in any way trying to blame anyone, I just wonder. That’s all I can do.

I had to turn away during our President’s speech. Watching our nation’s leader cry over lost children, and realizing his pain was just too much. He gets it. He’s a father. He is also right. This must be stopped. I’ve read through enough countless arguments about gun control to understand that the solution isn’t that easy. I wish that people would just simply realize that no matter the situation, taking lives is not the answer. It doesn’t matter if you have a gun, knife, paperclip, whatever. Just don’t do it.

It breaks my heart that instead of focusing our attention on respecting the lost and trying to come up with a solution to stop this, we use this as a platform for views on gun control/mental health/etc. I have my own opinions about both of those, especially as I suffer from depression, but I will keep those to myself. Right now, I’m thinking about those sweet lives lost. I hope you do too.

Dear My 15-year-old self

Dear 15-year-old self,

You’re a skinny, pasty, awkward freshman in high school. Every day you wake up at 5:30 to shower and try to tame your unruly mane (this was before flat irons were so easily accessible).  Sadly, it doesn’t help. You spend much of the year looking like you just rolled out of bed.

You lug your viola to and from school every other day (we had a block schedule) and people laugh at the skinny little “orch dork.” Let’s face it…you are. You don’t mess with drugs or alcohol, and sex isn’t even an option because no guy even looks at you. All in all, you’re a good kid. But boy, that mouth you have! Talking back to your parents gets you in trouble every. single. week.  Just keep it shut and complain on your Xanga (cgkat87 for those of you that want some reading pleasure).

You continue your friendship with that tall half Japanese girl you started last year. She will become your best friend. Surprisingly, you guys will NEVER fight. About anything. At all. When you’re both 24, you’ll be her maid of honor at her wedding to her high school sweetheart, and you’ll cry like a baby. Allison is the peanut butter to your jelly, and you two will go through a LOT together.

That guy that always stares at Allison and tries to flirt with her? He’ll become your other best friend, like your older brother. Sadly you fall in love with him when you’re in college and he’s in the Navy, and your friendship ends on an awkward note. You miss him every day, but he’s happily married now.

Besides you and Allison, there are two others in your little group of friends. Jessica is your new neighbor, and is the most happy-go-lucky person you’ll ever meet. She moves to Chicago after college and aside from a few chance encounters, you don’t hear from her. Christina you’ve known since elementary school. You’ve always been wary of her since first grade and she wouldn’t let you on the tunnel slide…but you let the past be the past and try to be her friend. DON’T. That witch makes your high school career hell every time she gets “mad” at you for something. Senior year you finally stand up to her and when she decides she’s done being mad at you “that time,” you don’t accept her apology. You still think about her time to time, and wonder if she still cheats on her fiancé on the reg.

Speaking of fiancé, you know that awkward boy that’s friends with Alex? He’ll become your fiancé one day. Sadly, things don’t work out and you hightail it out of that relationship, but not before learning some of the most important lessons of your life, and growing up along the way.

Your 15^th year of life will be filled with homework and tests, movies and shopping, times with friends, family spats, friend spats (85% with Christina), trials and hardships, and triumphs and joy. You hate it when you live it, but I bet you have no clue how much you want to go back to that year a decade later.

Love,

Your 25-year-old self

Update and Dilemma

I realize I haven’t written in a while. Honestly, I probably should have…just have not had the time/energy/motivation to do so. Thus, this will probably be a long(er) post, split into two parts; a life update and a dilemma.

LIFE UPDATE

-          Went to southern Kentucky for Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle’s with my grandma and Tucker. Tuck got neutered right before we left, so he was extremely chilled out due to his medication when we were there. Needless to say, he was very good and everyone fell in love with him. Especially my grandma. She asks about him constantly.

-          I move into my new place in a matter of weeks! 2.5 to be exact. I’m so excited, but I still need a few things. Expensive things, like a microwave, couch, and TV. Now taking donations ;)

-          Christmas Party (in November?!) for work was so much fun. Sadly didn’t win anything but had a great time chatting with coworkers and their wives. Tyler came with me which I thought would be awkward but it wasn’t! Which leads me to…

DILEMMA

Tyler and I started to kind of “date” again. We went out to dinner a couple of times, talked a lot, and just discussed our issues. I thought we were doing great. Then he informs me that he’s seeing other people as well. Uhh…what?! I was crushed. Then I went home and rejoined the dating site we met on (hey, I can be a brat sometimes.) Unlike the last time I joined and I only met two people including Tyler and ignored everyone else that messaged me, this time I’ve been a little…busier. Here’s what I mean.

- A 27 year old IT specialist. So good looking. And nice…ish. I just have a bad feeling about this one. He seems to only want a physical relationship, which is heartbreaking to me. We talk sporadically, and have been out a handful of times. He’s one of the “hey send me a picture” kind of guys. Yes. *That* kind of picture. Uh…no thanks. He’s the kind of guy that knows he’s cute. I hate that. As much as he frustrates me, for some reason I keep being sucked back in.

- A 30 year old IT specialist. I know, I know. Another one. And this one is FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN ME. And divorced. Recently. I feel conflicted about this one, because he is grown up, knows what he wants, doesn’t play games, he’s attractive…but I let him kiss me and didn’t really feel anything. His marriage ended because they were more like friends than spouses, and although it would be great to be with someone as “put-together” as him, I wonder if our potential relationship would end up the same way. I really enjoy talking to him and spending time with him, but I have a feeling he thinks we’re on a fast track to a relationship.  We’ve only been out twice and he wants me to come over so he can cook me dinner and we can put up his Christmas tree. Sounds nice, but…scary at the same time.

- A 25 year old financial manager. Our first date is tomorrow. Honestly, I don’t know what to think. He seems like a normal guy, which is good. We talk extremely sporadically, and suddenly he is super into wanting to meet. Not sure what to think about that.

- A 26 year old teacher. He lives about 2 ½ hours away, which is unfortunate because I have a really, really good feeling about this one. He loves his job, which makes my heart smile since he works with kids. He is incredibly sweet. This morning he called me when we were both driving to work just to say “I hope you have a great day!” I love things like that. I feel such a connection with him, and I haven’t even actually met him yet. We’re meeting on Saturday and I am so excited! I already feel so comfortable with him, so I know it won’t be awkward. The only issues I have are that he’s so far away, and since we ARE so comfortable I’m worried that things would move faster than I’m okay with.

- A 26 year old student. AKA Tyler. Tyler told me he wants to try again with us and hopefully get back together eventually. My heart is still hanging by a VERY thin thread to him…so I agreed we could try. However, it feels…different. I am so cautious, so on guard.  I have a hard time believing he wants to try. I do not trust him at all, and he knows that. He says he’ll earn it back, but we’ll see.

 

I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. This is new to me, and very weird. I know I’m not doing anything wrong since I am not exclusive with any of these men, but it is still confusing. Please feel free to leave me any and all advice you have!

Have any of you done online dating? Any weird experiences (one of my coworkers found me this time!)? Success stories?

Just dropping in

I just wanted to say that I'm still here. Just...haven't felt like writing. Actually haven't felt like social media much in the past month.

Thank you so much for those of you that have left such sweet comments and emailed me. I love you all.

P.S. If you vote today, good for you. If you don't...good for you. It's a CHOICE. As is who you vote for. I'm so sick of hearing people try to shove their views on me, so I'm staying out of it. I do want a certain man to win, but I'm not mentioning who. It's my business, just like who you voted for and why is yours.

The Fact Is...

 

 

 

The Fact Is…

-for some reason today I am absolutely exhausted. It must be the weather, because everyone I’ve talked to at work feels the same way.

-I really don’t see Tyler and I getting back together. I so wish I did, because I miss him so so much…but obviously communication isn’t important to him like it is to me.

-going along with the above, I get so worried when I don’t hear from him for hours (like 16) at a time. I hope he’s not hurt or something (see?! This is what goes on in my crazy mind!).

- I absolutely can’t wait until I move into my apartment. I’m a little nervous, though.

- my 25^th birthday is Friday, and I’m not excited at all. I’m glad my car insurance went down (by half! woop woop!) but I have no plans. All my friends are busy. Either I’m getting a killer surprise party (doubtful) or I’m going to be the lame one by herself all day on her birthday. At least I have the day off of work.

-I am so incredibly unbelievably lonely. So much so that it hurts very badly. I don’t feel as if I have someone to confide in, that would honestly listen, understand, and not judge. I wish there was an Indy Bloggers group, because you all are so much more supportive and kinder than anyone I know IRL.

-we just found out our company bonuses are coming in a month earlier than expected…and rather than blowing all of mine on a nice shopping spree and putting some in my savings, I’m contemplating putting half in my savings and donating the other half. I can’t really afford to blow all of it or even donate half of it, but…material things aren’t what life is about, and someone needs the money more than I do.

such a great link-up! go to the chiffon diary and join in!

 

I was nominated for the “Liebster  Blog Award!” This really made my heart happy; as it means that some people do read and enjoy my blog. It’s been acting as therapy for me, so the knowledge that other people like my silly ramblings makes the dark clouds rise a little bit. Thanks to Holly for the honor . Rules state that I give 11 random facts, answer her 11 questions for me, and then nominate others. I don’t know any other little blogs except AAA and Emily, so I nominate them J

1)      I was born in California, but moved to Indiana (where my mom is from) when I was very young.

2)      I’m only 4’11”. You know how when you’re 2 and your doctor doubles the height you are and says that’s how tall you’ll be? Apparently I was a tall 2 year old or I had a dumb doctor, because I am supposed  to be 5’7”. I wish.

3)      I work for an IndyCar team. We’re pretty well-known. I love my job and the perks that come with it!

4)      I used to do a little bit of acting, and have been in two low budget horror films.

5)      I played the strings (mainly the viola) for 8 years. I miss it horribly.

6)      I’ve driven the same car since I was 16. It’s a 1997 Honda CR-V. Red, but more like pink since it’s so old.

7)      I’m extremely shy and awkward around people I don’t know…which makes fact #4 weird.

8)      My half siblings and I are all 12 years apart. Yes, that means that my sister is 24 years older than I am.

9)      I have a 10 month old Golden Retriever/ Sharpei  mix named Tucker. He’s the only boy I need in my life.

10)   I canceled a wedding. I still feel awful about it.

11)   I’m slowly but surely working my way up to being as happy and as positive as I want to be. Blogging is helping.

And now Holly’s 11 Questions for me

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
- Banana Nutella
What is the best book you have read in the last year?
- The Help
You have just won an all-expense-paid vacation to the destination of your choice, where do you want to go?
- Hawaii, no question. Been there twice, never wanted to leave either time
What song always makes you happier when you listen to it?
- Beautiful by Mercy Me
Are you a going to have a scary or funny jack-o-lantern for Halloween?
-I won’t have one L
When the alarm goes off in the morning, do you jump up ready to face the day or hit the snooze button as many times as possible?
-I hit the snooze about 5 times. I even set my alarm for earlier so I can hit it more (tell me I’m not the only one who does this?!)
Do you have any siblings?
-one stepbrother, one halfbrother, and one halfsister
Is your bed made right now?
-nope, I only make it when I wash the sheets
How would you spend your time if all of a sudden you have the afternoon free and all to yourself?
-probably go on a hike with my puppy
Who is your favorite super hero?
- Batman J
Which is more you: sneakers or high heels?

-Both. I love all shoes!