Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Am I Crazy?

It's been awhile. I started this blog as a way to deal with depression, and lately I can feel that dark cloud lifting. I've also been so freaking busy that I haven't wanted or cared to sit down and write. Oops.

I told someone about this blog and why I started it. Kind of weird since we just met AND they are very good with computers and are probably reading this right now (hi handsome!). I kind of hope not though. I'm an extremely open person when it comes to talking about my past and what-not, but I'm not proud of the person I used to be. I let this person read a few pages of my recently rediscovered Xanga, and I'm so glad he stopped before he got to the awful drama crap I used to involve myself in. Last night I let myself get really down thinking about some of the situations I put myself in with my "friends" but then as I was walking the dog and trying to keep him from running after the geese that were flying above us (newsflash, Tucker...you can't fly!), I thought of how much I have grown as a person since then. I should be proud, instead of embarrassed.

Thinking positively/highly of myself is something that I've always struggled with. I don't really know why, but maybe that explains why I don't really know how to take a compliment, or I get nervous and turn red when the attention is on me. I'm beginning to get better about this though.

Work is slowly wearing me down, I think. I love it though, and am so blessed to work with some pretty amazing people. I truly feel like most of them watch out for me, and like having me here. Right now I'm still juggling two positions. Two days a week I am at the front desk (my "actual" job), and three days a week I am covering a maternity leave in a completely different department, which is where the "wearing me down" thing comes in. S didn't get a chance to fully train me before she had her son, so some of the things I do are educated guesses. I'm kind of terrified that I will mess something up that will be detrimental to everyone on the team, but I think I'm doing an okay job so far. I wish I had a better memory though. Or more time in a day. Most everyone is being extremely helpful since we're ALL adjusting in S's absence, but there are those who aren't really being...supportive. I run around like a chicken with its' head cut off 3 days a week and sometimes my work load from that job spills over into the days I'm at my desk...I'm sorry. I wish it didn't but that is how it is right now. I can't be in two places at once. Hearing complaints that I'm not doing the "one thing I'm supposed to" really irritates me. It's Murphy's Law that my phone will ring as soon as I step away from my desk. Please deal with it.

I let a colleague set me up. Surprisingly, it is working so far. This man has an absolutely amazing personality, makes me laugh for hours, and is unbelievably sweet. Not bad to look at either ;) Spending time with him makes me forget about everything. On one hand, I like having him in my life. On the other hand, it terrifies me how much I like him, how well we get along, etc. I tend to fall hard and fast, which ultimately ruins relationships. I don't want to ruin this one. I'm trying really hard to be nonchalant and distant but every time he flashes that amazing smile and his green eyes crinkle I fall a little more. Ugh. I'm in trouble.