Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Fact Is...



the chiffon diary

The Fact Is…

-for some reason today I am absolutely exhausted. It must be the weather, because everyone I’ve talked to at work feels the same way.

-I really don’t see Tyler and I getting back together. I so wish I did, because I miss him so so much…but obviously communication isn’t important to him like it is to me.

-going along with the above, I get so worried when I don’t hear from him for hours (like 16) at a time. I hope he’s not hurt or something (see?! This is what goes on in my crazy mind!).

- I absolutely can’t wait until I move into my apartment. I’m a little nervous, though.

- my 25th birthday is Friday, and I’m not excited at all. I’m glad my car insurance went down (by half! woop woop!) but I have no plans. All my friends are busy. Either I’m getting a killer surprise party (doubtful) or I’m going to be the lame one by herself all day on her birthday. At least I have the day off of work.

-I am so incredibly unbelievably lonely. So much so that it hurts very badly. I don’t feel as if I have someone to confide in, that would honestly listen, understand, and not judge. I wish there was an Indy Bloggers group, because you all are so much more supportive and kinder than anyone I know IRL.

-we just found out our company bonuses are coming in a month earlier than expected…and rather than blowing all of mine on a nice shopping spree and putting some in my savings, I’m contemplating putting half in my savings and donating the other half. I can’t really afford to blow all of it or even donate half of it, but…material things aren’t what life is about, and someone needs the money more than I do.
such a great link-up! go to the chiffon diary and join in!
I was nominated for the “Liebster  Blog Award!” This really made my heart happy; as it means that some people do read and enjoy my blog. It’s been acting as therapy for me, so the knowledge that other people like my silly ramblings makes the dark clouds rise a little bit. Thanks to Holly for the honor . Rules state that I give 11 random facts, answer her 11 questions for me, and then nominate others. I don’t know any other little blogs except AAA and Emily, so I nominate them J

1)      I was born in California, but moved to Indiana (where my mom is from) when I was very young.

2)      I’m only 4’11”. You know how when you’re 2 and your doctor doubles the height you are and says that’s how tall you’ll be? Apparently I was a tall 2 year old or I had a dumb doctor, because I am supposed  to be 5’7”. I wish.

3)      I work for an IndyCar team. We’re pretty well-known. I love my job and the perks that come with it!

4)      I used to do a little bit of acting, and have been in two low budget horror films.

5)      I played the strings (mainly the viola) for 8 years. I miss it horribly.

6)      I’ve driven the same car since I was 16. It’s a 1997 Honda CR-V. Red, but more like pink since it’s so old.

7)      I’m extremely shy and awkward around people I don’t know…which makes fact #4 weird.

8)      My half siblings and I are all 12 years apart. Yes, that means that my sister is 24 years older than I am.

9)      I have a 10 month old Golden Retriever/ Sharpei  mix named Tucker. He’s the only boy I need in my life.

10)   I canceled a wedding. I still feel awful about it.

11)   I’m slowly but surely working my way up to being as happy and as positive as I want to be. Blogging is helping.

And now Holly’s 11 Questions for me

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
- Banana Nutella
What is the best book you have read in the last year?
- The Help
You have just won an all-expense-paid vacation to the destination of your choice, where do you want to go?
- Hawaii, no question. Been there twice, never wanted to leave either time
What song always makes you happier when you listen to it?
- Beautiful by Mercy Me
Are you a going to have a scary or funny jack-o-lantern for Halloween?
-I won’t have one
When the alarm goes off in the morning, do you jump up ready to face the day or hit the snooze button as many times as possible?
-I hit the snooze about 5 times. I even set my alarm for earlier so I can hit it more (tell me I’m not the only one who does this?!)
Do you have any siblings?
-one stepbrother, one halfbrother, and one halfsister
Is your bed made right now?
-nope, I only make it when I wash the sheets
How would you spend your time if all of a sudden you have the afternoon free and all to yourself?
-probably go on a hike with my puppy
Who is your favorite super hero?
- Batman
Which is more you: sneakers or high heels?
-Both. I love all shoes!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Friday's Letters & Insecurity

linking up with Ashley

Dear Tucker- Momma got us an apartment to move in to soon :) That means you'll be an only dog, and will get 100% of my attention. I'm so excited!

Dear Apartment- I wish I didn't have to wait so long to move into you. Thank you for being so affordable, though. Decorating you is going to be SO much fun. You're my very first place that I am living in ON MY OWN (eek) but I really am looking forward to it. Not going by someone elses schedule, peace and quiet, it will be nice. I hope my neighbors don't think I have a horse though...just an extremely large dog.

Dear Mom- thank you for being so supportive. I only wish you could see how different you are around my stepdad. It's like he is poisoning you with his negativity. It hurts to say this, but have you noticed that you're only pleasant to me if he's not around or I am hurting?

Dear Tyler- I thought that things were going well. I think I was wrong. I feel like things are going back to exactly how they were when our relationship was falling apart. You never tell me what you're thinking. I try so hard to be completely open and honest...and it is stressing me out that you apparently don't want to give me the same courtesy. I feel so lost. I want to be with you. Are you just humoring me by pretending to have fun on our dates? Am I just a place holder until someone else comes along. These are my concerns. My worries. My insecurities.
I had one of those gut-wrenching cries last night. The unattractive one, where your face screws up, turns red, and tears, snot, drool all pour down your face. TMI, I know. The kind of cry that makes you so tired, you drift off into a dreamless sleep at 9:00, and wake up with a migraine. I cried for a lot of reasons. I cried because my security deposit on my apartment is about $400 more than I thought it would be. I cried because Tyler canceled the plans we had this weekend. I cried because I need a new car but can't afford one now. I cried because I'm insecure. Painfully insecure.

I'm insecure about my relationship with God. I love going to church and listening to His message, but I don't sing the hymns. I pray, but some days I forget. I wish that I had someone to talk to that shared this struggle, because I want to know that I am not alone. I want to be a better Christian, but I do not even know where to start.

I'm insecure in my job. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I am constantly worrying if I am doing everything right. If I am pleasing everyone. Everyone is replaceable. Thankfully, the racing team I work for doesn't have to lay everyone off like some of the others, but we are reminded that everyone is replaceable. I am replaceable.

I'm insecure in my friendships. I don't make friends very easily. I like meeting people, and am very friendly, but I am painfully shy. I didn't used to be...but I am now. The friends I have now, the "true" friends, I can count on one hand. And I worry almost every day that they don't think of our friendship in the same way that I do. I would do anything for them. Their happiness is more important than mine. I worry that when we spend time together, they're not enjoying themselves. I worry that the friendships I have are just "pity" friendships.

I'm insecure in my relationships. Every single one I've had, I've ruined. I want to love, and be loved. I want to want someone who wants me. I want to be the reason for his smile. I want the kind of loving, faith-based relationship that Jon and Ruthie Hart have. They inspire me.

I'm insecure in myself. I'm not good enough. I'm weak. I don't deserve happiness. These are all things that constantly run through my mind. Then I question why I am so negative, so emotional all the time. There must be something wrong with me.

I know this was extremely negative. I'm trying SO hard to be more positive...but on days like today, it is hard. Very hard. Please pray for me.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Finally Fall

It's been awhile.
* I'm so glad that it is finally fall. I love being able to look outside at the pretty leaves all day at work!
* Tyler and I are beginning again. Not together, but going on dates and such. It's going really well. I need to stop being so worried that he'll change his mind again though, and just r-e-l-a-x. Any tips?
*My annual review is coming up next month. Yikes. Nervous.
*My BIRTHDAY is next Friday (10/26). I think I'm asking for exclusively gas cards. And Taylor Swift's new CD.
*I may be signing a lease to an apartment tonight! Then I'd move in at the end of December.
That's about it I guess. I'll leave you with some pictures from Monday at the park!


Thursday, October 11, 2012


On this beautiful fall day, I just have one question. Is it enough?

I started going to church again, pray every day, and have conversations with Him...but is it enough?
I work hard at my job to make sure that everyone is happy and things are done efficiently...but is it enough?
I'm working on being friends with Tyler. On being more understanding...but is it enough?
I care deeply for all of my friends and family, and wish all their pain and sadness on myself so they are peaceful and happy...but it is enough?
I say please and thank you, every. single. time....but is it enough?
I'm slowly working through my faults in an effort to be a better person...but is it enough?

Struggling today...pray for me? That, at least, is enough.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Home Again

I truly meant to write this post on Sunday night...and it is now Wednesday afternoon. Oh well.

I ventured back to my college town for homecoming this past weekend, and stayed with my best friend from college, Mollie (and her husband Keith). I hope that I have the kind of loving, faithful, and Godly relationship that they have some day. They are so full of love for each other that it sometimes makes my heart ache.

The 3.5 hour drive on Friday didn't bother me in the slightest once I got out of Indiana, because I had forgotten how gosh darn beautiful Illinois is in the fall. coming down Main street into Eureka, with gorgeous trees lining both sides of the road, I felt...at peace. And home. Eureka, IL was my home for 4 years, and going back this weekend, I think I'd say it still IS my home. Every now and then I toy with the idea of moving back there, and you know what? I think I might...in a few years. Right now I like my job too much to leave it. I also couldn't imagine leaving my friends and family here again.

Rather than make this a super long post where I detail everything that happened, I figured I would highlight the main points. And no, I don't have any pictures...I was having way too much fun relaxing and catching up with old friends.

-went to the new Mexican restaurant in town for dinner, had delish daiquiris
-pigged out on cake-vodka soaked gummies and played Apples to Apples with Mollie, Keith, Mollie's mom, Mollie's brother, and a family friend
- went to bed at around 1 in the morning...v. late for me
-Mollie and I made Keith get us breakfast from Hardees
-walked to campus despite Keith whining that he was cold so I could buy an alumni sticker for my car and a new EC shirt (also walked out with the CUTEST coffee mug...that says EC Mom on it?)
-met my parents (they came in that morning) at the gates, sat down with them
-almost immediately retreated to the alumni tent to gossip with old classmates/drink unlimited amounts of hot chocolate
-discovered that almost everyone I talked to was either married or had a kid or both. I was the awkward single girl
-tried to avoid ex boyfriends...with no luck
-left game at halftime because it was too cold, walked back to M&K's house and took naps
- met my parents for dinner at Biaggis...wonderful food
-found out we WON the game!!!! Big news for little ole Eureka!
-fell asleep on the couch at like 11. Laaaame.
-went to Monicals with Mollie and her mama for lunch
-drove back to Indiana

Tyler's house in Brownsburg is on my way home from Illinois...so I stopped by. Mainly to see Tucker, but also to get some things of mine he had found. My sweet Tucker boy sure did miss me, though! He plopped himself in my lap and didn't move for a few minutes...all 85 pounds of him. I love that dog so freaking much. He also has a new trick! He can now legit hug people now :) so cute.

I had to leave after a couple hours because it was getting late, but Tyler and I had a good conversation. I completely have my guard up with him, but I think we might become friends.

I'm nervous about it because I'm only friends with one of my exes. And we never see each other. Are you friends with any of your exes? Is it hard?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Back 'neath the Elms...


Dear Eureka*,
After work today I will be driving to you, to celebrate Homecoming. I'm extremely excited to come "home," especially because a lot of alumni will be there. I hope you have the beer tent ready...because I missed out on that aspect of homecoming the entire 4 years I was there. Stupid cheerleading. Speaking of cheerleaders, I hope they have got their act together. It's kind of embarrassing to see them and admit I was one of them. Also, I will be using my newly found student ID to get into the game fo free, since you took thousands of dollars from me in 4 years and didn't even give me my housing deposit back. I KNOW I didn't "donate it to the senior class gift" because I thought the gift we got was dumb. I'd like my $250, with interest, back this weekend.
Dear New Boots,
I was so happy/surprised to see you yesterday when I got home from work. However, you're extremely uncomfortable. I hope we can fix this because you are too cute and I can't return you since I got you on sale.
Dear Co-worker,
Just because I am "just the receptionist" does NOT mean that I am not entitled to my time off like everyone else. I put in my requests in plenty of advance. Please do not make me feel guilty for using my carefully saved up hours. Part of your job description is to help cover my desk when I am not here. You're the newest hire in the group that covers for me, and it should go without saying that you need to respect the other girls, as well as my boss. Your boss knows the situation, so don't pretend you have to "talk with **** first." I like you, I really do. It's fun having someone closer to my age to chat with, but you are driving me insane with this. Please stop.
Dear Tucker,
We get to spend the day together on the 15th! I am so so so excited to take you on your first trip to Brown County to go on a picnic and hiking with your Aunt Allison, Aunt Sam, and cousin Mia. I hope it doesn't rain because we will have to have a backup plan. I hope it's not awkward seeing your dad when I pick you up...I was extremely mean to him a few days ago and he has since forgiven me but it's still embarrassing to think about how I acted. Getting over him will be quite a process, but your wrinkly, furry little face is helping! I can't wait until you live with me full time, in our very own apartment.

Dear cute boy at AT&T store,
Thank you for helping my mom and I out yesterday when we were replacing her phone that was stolen. I'm sorry my mom kept making really bad jokes and called the iPhone 4 the "I4." You are honestly the first cute boy I've noticed since I got my heart stomped on, and for that I'm glad. That means I'm healing. I wish I would have given you my number, but I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe I will come visit your store in a few months though...
Dear Cousin,
Your engagement pictures are absolutely beautiful. You are beautiful. I am so so glad that you and Mike found each other, when you were as lost as I am right now. I sincerely hope that I am invited to the wedding, even though I am the daughter of the "black sheep" of the family (true story...no one likes my mom that much...we're never invited to things). It's the week before my birthday next year. On a Friday? Considering it will be either in Tennessee or Florida, I'd LOVE to come. It makes me sad remembering how close we used to be...I miss that. I miss considering you my sister, not my cousin. Whatever the case my be, I love you. I look up to you, and admire you.
*FUN FACT: my college's "song" is to the tune of that camp song in Dirty Dancing. Makes me laugh every single time. Oh yeah, and Ronald Reagan went to my college.  

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

D Diaries #2

Well...the D word has hit again. Sometimes I have no idea what triggers it, other times I know exactly what sets it off...like this time. Tyler.

I was so happy to be with someone who liked me for who I am...only to find that he leaves me because I'm not who he wants me to be. I feel like I've been lied to for the past 9 months. It got me thinking, though. About who I am. And you know what? I like who I am, with a few exceptions. I have good morals and values, and I'd like to believe I have my priorities straight. I worked hard to find a good job, and I found one. I'm loyal, compassionate, and honest. I'm digging deeper into my relationship with God. But yet...I feel empty. Heartbroken. Worthless.

I know that my emotions are heightened right now. I'm a woman, I have depression, and a broken heart. NOT an ideal mix.

This just...isn't helping. I've worked so hard to do everything I could to be happy, and Tyler was a big part of that. I shared with him what went on in my head almost daily, and he was so good at making me feel valued, wanted, and worthy.

I'm hoping that my trip back to Eureka for homecoming will make me feel a little better. GO RED DEVILS!

Also, fingers crossed, my mom and I found apartments that are extremely cute, safe, and affordable. So Tuck and I may be moving in January.

Pray for me, friends. Please.


Monday, October 1, 2012

R.I.P. Kindle...

I've loved reading for basically my entire life. I learned how to read in pre-school, and can remember "helping" my first grade teacher with reading lessons in class. No wonder I was picked on.

Reading has always been an escape for me. Growing up as a basically only child (my sibs are all wayyy older), I learned how to entertain myself. When I discovered that books weren't just for school, I was hooked. I read anything and everything I could get my grimy little hands on. I loved getting lost in a story and forgetting about my life for those few hours. I read as much as I could, whenever I could. I've missed a plane because I was so into a book. I've not heard the bell to end study hall because I was busy reading. Needless to say, I'm a bookworm. And I like it.

Fast forward to Christmas of last year. My relationship with my parents was still pretty rocky, they were still mad at me for leaving my ex. I'm not someone that is spoiled, per say, but Christmas has always been nice. Gift cards, gas cars, things I want AND need, that sort of thing. When I arrived Christmas morning, one solitary present was shoved in my arms. It wasn't even really wrapped. When I opened it, I started bawling. It was a brand new shiny Kindle Keyboard. I LOOOVED it. I felt so blessed that I had even received something, and I thought it was so thoughtful. Thinking back to that day, I think my parents wanted me to realize I wasn't their little girl anymore. I had become a person they didn't care for, but knew they "had" to get me something. I still think it is the best gift I have ever received.

Last night, my precious Kindle fell victim to a shattered screen...even though I didn't drop it. Apparently that has been a problem with the model I have. When I realized that it was unfixable, I broke down. I probably cried harder last night than I have in the past 3 weeks, and that's saying something considering I've cried myself to sleep every single night. I cried because I am lost without books, at least right now. Reading is the only thing I can do that takes my mind off of Ty...and that was disrupted. All of my "real" books are in storage, so I was helpless. It seemed like just one thing after another went wrong in September, and this latest thing acted as a trigger for the D word.

I sat in my bed with tears streaming down my face, wondering what I was going to do. Every few minutes  I would rush over to where the Kindle was charging, to see if maybe it was just extremely low. After an hour of this, I just slumped against my wall. Then I had an idea.

I prayed. Hard. I begged God to fix my source of happiness and contentedness...and He listened. When I got to work today I signed into Amazon, and thanks to Arshed (who I'm pretty sure was in India), and explained what happened. He patiently read everything I said, and informed me that he was sending me a brand new Kindle, free of charge, the next day. As in, tomorrow evening I should have my new one. Oh. My. Goodness. I wanted to track Arshed down and kiss him.

This experience has opened my eyes to the fact that God really does listen to each and every prayer that His children send Him. No matter how trivial.

Have any of you had an eye opening experience like this? What about any favorite books?