Friday's Letters & Insecurity

linking up with Ashley

Dear Tucker- Momma got us an apartment to move in to soon :) That means you'll be an only dog, and will get 100% of my attention. I'm so excited!

Dear Apartment- I wish I didn't have to wait so long to move into you. Thank you for being so affordable, though. Decorating you is going to be SO much fun. You're my very first place that I am living in ON MY OWN (eek) but I really am looking forward to it. Not going by someone elses schedule, peace and quiet, it will be nice. I hope my neighbors don't think I have a horse though...just an extremely large dog.

Dear Mom- thank you for being so supportive. I only wish you could see how different you are around my stepdad. It's like he is poisoning you with his negativity. It hurts to say this, but have you noticed that you're only pleasant to me if he's not around or I am hurting?

Dear Tyler- I thought that things were going well. I think I was wrong. I feel like things are going back to exactly how they were when our relationship was falling apart. You never tell me what you're thinking. I try so hard to be completely open and honest...and it is stressing me out that you apparently don't want to give me the same courtesy. I feel so lost. I want to be with you. Are you just humoring me by pretending to have fun on our dates? Am I just a place holder until someone else comes along. These are my concerns. My worries. My insecurities.
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I had one of those gut-wrenching cries last night. The unattractive one, where your face screws up, turns red, and tears, snot, drool all pour down your face. TMI, I know. The kind of cry that makes you so tired, you drift off into a dreamless sleep at 9:00, and wake up with a migraine. I cried for a lot of reasons. I cried because my security deposit on my apartment is about $400 more than I thought it would be. I cried because Tyler canceled the plans we had this weekend. I cried because I need a new car but can't afford one now. I cried because I'm insecure. Painfully insecure.

I'm insecure about my relationship with God. I love going to church and listening to His message, but I don't sing the hymns. I pray, but some days I forget. I wish that I had someone to talk to that shared this struggle, because I want to know that I am not alone. I want to be a better Christian, but I do not even know where to start.

I'm insecure in my job. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I am constantly worrying if I am doing everything right. If I am pleasing everyone. Everyone is replaceable. Thankfully, the racing team I work for doesn't have to lay everyone off like some of the others, but we are reminded that everyone is replaceable. I am replaceable.

I'm insecure in my friendships. I don't make friends very easily. I like meeting people, and am very friendly, but I am painfully shy. I didn't used to be...but I am now. The friends I have now, the "true" friends, I can count on one hand. And I worry almost every day that they don't think of our friendship in the same way that I do. I would do anything for them. Their happiness is more important than mine. I worry that when we spend time together, they're not enjoying themselves. I worry that the friendships I have are just "pity" friendships.

I'm insecure in my relationships. Every single one I've had, I've ruined. I want to love, and be loved. I want to want someone who wants me. I want to be the reason for his smile. I want the kind of loving, faith-based relationship that Jon and Ruthie Hart have. They inspire me.

I'm insecure in myself. I'm not good enough. I'm weak. I don't deserve happiness. These are all things that constantly run through my mind. Then I question why I am so negative, so emotional all the time. There must be something wrong with me.

I know this was extremely negative. I'm trying SO hard to be more positive...but on days like today, it is hard. Very hard. Please pray for me.

CATE